having a boy...devastated

Hi all

I'm a 30 year old chap and soon to be father in 5 months. I started seeing someone earlier this year...3 weeks into the relationship she was pregnant! The pill failed.

It's been really hard, our newbie relationship has failed (though we're on amicable terms) and my life situation ain't great re work & living arrangements.

I was shocked when my ex told me and didn't think we should keep it given the situation...but she decided otherwise. I actually started looking forward to it. Early signs pointed to a girl.

Now 20 week scan says it's a boy which has devastated me. My trouble is I'm not a typical straight guy...I'm sensitive, emotionally-aware and don't get on with a lot of 'normal' guys. Beer and watching the game ain't me...it's just the way I am. I'm more into people and relationships, I'm creative...and only have a passing interest in football!

I've always found it hard to fit in with most guys as they're on a different wavelength, and sometimes feel low about it. So I figured with a girl I'd be fine, and might even feel better about my (lack of) manliness.

But with a boy, although I'm committed to making him happy, I'm facing 20 years of being something I'm not, & constantly being reminded I'm not a normal guy. I just don't feel it's right for me.

Any suggestions?

K

Firstly, congratulations on your baby boy! Although it's not in your ideal situation, this baby will be a blessing to you. And it's great that pregnancy lasts 9 whole months to give a person time to prepare! Let him be an inspiration to get your life sorted :o) I have 4 boys and let me tell you, they are all completely different. My husband is VERY sporty and 'masculine', but only one of our boys is the same. One of my sons is a gifted pianist, loves to cook and bake, is sooo interested and knowledgable about nature and is such a sensitive soul who wears his heart on his sleeve. Another son of mine loves singing, dancing, and is pretty much interested in whatever is thrown at him and can talk about anything and everything. All but one of my sons love, love, love affection, kisses, and hugs. Believe me, you do not have to be a 'typical male' to enjoy having a son. Your son will look up to you no matter what you are like!! Kids just naturally accept who their parents are without judgement. As long as you nourish your relationship with him and also accept him for who he is, there is absolutely no reason you will not be close throughout the adult years as well. Just keep the communication going, get to know him, and let him get to know you. In the early years, gender makes absolutely no difference anyway...babies and toddlers pretty much behave in the same way no matter what's between their legs! So just ENJOY your baby and the life you get to share together :o) All the best!!!!!

Yes just because he is a boy doesn't mean that he will be like other guys. He has your jeans too remember so he might just like and do the same things you do. My first son is so sensitive that he cries about everything, and he loves just building things with his legos. My second son is all boy though loves to climb and grunt and is a tough little one already. No child is the same, and as long as he is doing something with you he will enjoy it. My DS1 just went golfing with my DH yesterday and loved it, more because he got to spend one on one time with daddy then anything else. As time goes on I'm sure you will be more excited. It is scary either way with your first one, and if you did have a girl it doesn't mean she would be a tom boy. I was I liked everything the boys did and had to be with them all the time. I didn't think I could connect with a girl. But I have 2 of them and we are just fine. I'm not into frilly dresses and makeup and both of them are. So it's a little hard for me I connect better with my boys but I wouldn't trade my girls for anything. Your son will be a blessing and he may open up a whole new world to you! But remember kids learn from their parents so how you are might just rub off on him and he will become a great man, who can understand feelings. Don't count yourself out just yet I'm sure you will be a great dad! And he will love you to pieces no matter what, you just have to be there for him! Good luck and I'm sorry your situation isn't the best but I'm sure you will be fine.

Congrats!

 LIke others have suggested, forget the stereotypes! Your son will be who he wants to be...my DS1 is 4 and loves to bake cookies with me, is very sensitve to other needs, and loves to just color and draw...yes he also likes to play rough with dinosaurs soemtimes and build big giant towers of blocks just to watch them fall down...but he has a sweet side of him, and I love everything about him.

You will too love your son for eveyrthing he is. And also, if he's exposed to arts stuff, and you do a lot of creative activites with him, that could spark his attention and interest in that direction.

Have you considered that he might be a lot like you? There are plenty of boys/men out there who, like you, don't fit the "guy" stereotypes. But even if your boy does moreso than you do, he'll still be your child. He has your genes and he'll have your influence in his life, and you'll play a role in who he becomes. You have the opportunity to broaden his horizons, and he yours. You can find common ground even if you have very different personalities. Most likely, though, he'll be somewhere in the middle. I have a son who loves typical boy things like cars and construction equipment and playing tackle, but he's also sensitive, imaginative, highly verbal, loves kittens, and hates disorganization and getting his hands dirty. Conversely, I have a girl who's loud, is an expert in bathroom humor, and covers herself in mud every chance she gets. Right now all you have to fixate on is the idea of a son (or a hypothetical daughter) that's rooted in simple stereotypes and societal expectations. Once you come to know the actual, complex person your child will become, gender will take on far less importance in your relationship. I'm not saying your feelings are wrong or invalid; I think many of us can relate in one way or another, and emotions are often out of our control. What we can control is how we react, what we teach our children, whether we make the effort to foster a relationship or not. No one can guarantee that you won't have some rough patches in the future, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel - and you have the power to determine how bright that light will be for you.

Hi there,

My husband is not a 'manly' man either!  He's very sensitive, loves music, hiking and being outdoors!  My oldest son is not your typical 'boy' either, he loved puzzles and reading as a very small boy (never into trucks or cars etc.) and is very gentle.  One of his friend's mothers loves having him over because he's so quiet!  His teacher this year wants him in her class again (she's asked me quietly..) as she's doing a grade 3/4 split next year - I was flattered beyond belief - suffice to say all the loud and rowdy boys were not asked!!! 

Don't feel you have a silly role to fill - my husband and I kind of laugh at those guys that feel they have to be so macho with the big trucks they drive and the beer swilling etc. - in fact those types have always turned me totlly off!!!  I'd rather (and so would a lot of women) have a quieter, shy, thoughtful man than a loud-mouthed macho type guy!!!  Your son will be missing nothing, I can tell you.

You want your boy to be sensitive and kind - then that will be your role to fill!!!  You will be great with a little boy and the last thing I am going to say is you will never again be so utterly blown away as you will be when you see your son for the first time.  It's a magic I will never get to feel again, truly it was the most amazing moment of my life.  Keep us updated, I know in a few months when you meet him you are going to be thrilled beyond belief!!

Like the others have said, PLEASE don't fall for stereotypes.  My middle son is a LOT like you (well, from what you described, lol).  Funny thing, the other day we were at the pool and there were two little girls who were picking up grasshoppers with their bare hands for over 30 minutes.  All I kept thinking in my head was, "wow, there's NO WAY any of my three boys would ever touch a bug", lol.  This board is full of women who have daughters who are extreme tomboys, too.  There's also tons of us who have senstive, quiet and anything but rambunctious boys.

(Adding) Your son is going to love you because of who you are -- it's not going to matter to him that you don't pound down beers, scream at the tv watching football, etc.  He's going to love you because you are his daddy, just as you are going to love him no matter what his interests are.

Hey K,

I am a woman who was a lot like you. I hate girly stuff and was a tomboy from day one. I love to work with tools, play video games for hours and not a chick flick in sight in my house. I have always felt out of sorts around other females and have a much easier time talking to the guys. 

When I found out I was going to have a daughter I was crushed. I did not think I could be a good girl mom. I was worried that somehow my lack of femininity would cause her to feel as out of sorts with herself as I did when I was younger. 

Boy was I wrong.  She has taught me a lesson or two actually.  She is her own wonderful person.  NOT the person I was afraid she might be.  I was projecting my fear and my insecurities onto this wonderful child who was going to be herself and love me no matter what.  Your son is going to be himself, just like any future daughter you may have could be a beer drinking, sports watching, meat eating all American girl.  My oldest boy loves to play soccer and baseball.  But he also loves to sit with me on the porch while eating an ice-cream and talk about movies, TV, Science, relationships and even sometimes just about the weather for hours and hours.

It is more than ok to have fears over being a parent, the first time or any time.  But remember that they are your fears, not the reality of this sweet child who will look at you to be nothing more than his dad.  And he will love you for who you are. 

Oh and by the way my daughter loves pink and tea parties and dance class.  And becasue she love it I love it thru her.  Yes you may never LOVE sports but you may love watching your son play them.  Or he may want to try art classes or be into acting.  I realized I dont have to be someone else to make my daughter happy.  All I have to do is love her for who she is and she loves me for for that and loves who I am.  

 

Congrats on your Son!!  My Hubby is NOT a sports person at all.  He played football in HS, but he won't watch it.  I am a baseball nut, Hubs won't watch it.  We have 2 little girls and a little boy.  Have you thought that maybe your Son will be like You?  And not want to toss a ball about, but instead care more about the people playing?  My Son is 3, and granted he is young, he has never shown any interest in playing with anything sports related.  But he is content petting and brushing our horses or chasig fireflies with me at night.  Don't assume your little boy will want to play sports, until he approaches you and wants to do so.  It is really possible he will be like You!

Congrats! Thankfully they all start out the same, as little babies, not "boy" or "girl" and you get to learn along with them and find out what they are interested in. My hubby is not a sports person at all either. A great little perk for me! He is more sensitive, loves shopping and doesn't really have many guy friends. He finds it really hard to get along with other men. But we have 2 boys and another boy on the way. They are different and I'm sure this 3rd one will be too. None are taking a particular interest in sports yet. Our oldest would like to play baseball but the team we tried to get him on this season ended up not getting enough other boys to play so the whole thing was cancelled. But he wasn't even that upset about it. He likes "boy" things such as trucks, cars, dinosaurs and fishing. Our youngest plays with both dolls and trucks and is very sensitive to other people's feelings. He's my cuddle bug. They both love to help me cook in the kitchen. My husband is a chef so they pretend to be Daddy. And just in general they like being outside exploring the world around them which I think about every kid likes to do. Fishing and hiking is about as sporty as we get. Kids want to be like their parents, especially when they're little, so I agree with PP, he may end up being a lot like you! There are so many other wonderful things you can teach him about growing up to be a great man besides sports. 

Hi all

You seem like a nice bunch and thanks for all the sweet words, you're right I should just chill out and enjoy whoever he becomes!

Have really been to hell and back with the mum. She's married but separated, got together with a colleague (the 'ex'), then got together with me after. She was sleeping with the ex 3 weeks before we first went to bed...so there was some paternity doubt that the scans resolved. She never told me about the possibility it was the ex's until after she knew it wasn't his, so she kinda lied initially.

Today I found out from a mutual friend that she has been pregnant twice before in the last 2 years, by the ex. Presumably they miscarried or she had an abortion. But she told me the last time was SIX years ago, and she had an abortion. So it's just one thing after another...

Why would a girl lie about the recent pregnancies? We didn't even know each other at the time!

K

I wouldn't worry about what he will like just yet.  I have 4 sons and NONE of them are sporty so far.  My 10 year old likes to read, my 9 year old prefers to build stuff and play games, my 6 year old likes to cook and do trains, and my 3 year old just kinda follows whatever his older brothers are doing.  The most sportiness they ever want to do is swimming and biking.

U sound like a great guy. We need more men like u, so u having a son is a good thing. Dont worry, there are so many different important things to teach a little boy.......being a beer drinking macho is not one of them.

I dont want to say anything wrong, but maybe in a way she might have used u to get pregnant?! Is it possible she became desperate after several losses with the other guy? If that is the case she is of course wrong, but maybe her depression took over. No matter why and how. U have to stay calm and try not to stress out over it too much. There is nothing u can do despite being there for the baby once he is born. Try to talk to the mother and avoid arguments even if u r right. Its not good for the baby and it would be a bad start for u and him. He can hear and sense stress already. I hope u get to be in the delivery room and hold him for the first time right there. Good luck!