I am so sorry. It's just awful to feel so sure and it be the total opposite. The OWT and calendars really play tricks on your mind. I even did the mayan and the babyman thing.. they were totally right for my sons and said girl for this baby.. everything said girl for this baby. I still have the 21 week US in 2 weeks, but even though I've scoured the internet and found so many people who were told boy before 16 weeks it's so unlikely that will be me. It seems that those U/S pics all seem to have a very unclear shot. Even though we don't have a copy of the potty shot my memory really seems to very clearly see a penis.
I am kind of resentful though the tech just blurted out boy. I wish we had waited until the 21 week so I would not have spent weeks obsessing over if it could be wrong since it was so early. I have been all over the map. Definitely way less upset then I was the first few days. But now I just want the confirmation so I can embrace it and find a name for the baby. We never knew ahead of time with our other 2, and naming them at the hospital was super stressful.. esp DS2, since even though I knew he was a boy (the tech had hinted , and I saw his parts on the screen), I still tried to convince myself he was a girl.
The worst part here is really letting go of this feeling that something is incomplete without a daughter as well. I have been telling my dh we need to think about having a 4th child and maybe doing HT.. this has really stressed him out and made him kind of depressed. He's feeling like this baby is unwanted and I am not embracing it. This is really not true. In fact, the best case at this point is if they were to tell me.. oops! It's twins you have a boy and a girl. Since now if it's suddenly a girl I'll feel like I lost my little boy. I just am not sure if I can just really never have the experience of a daughter as well. I never imagined having just boys. Never. I just assumed this baby would be a girl. And I guess that's the thing.. we swayed, all the owt, the calendars , etc etc.. and it really gives such a false sense of security and it's still always going to be 50/50. That's what dh can't get over with me.. he just keeps saying how could you not grasp that it's 50/50, you really just assumed it would work and it would just be a girl? And sadly, yes, I did!!!
I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I think well maybe, just maybe they'll say girl at the next U/S.. I'm trying not to read anymore stories about all the people that happened to and just hope the time from now till then passes quickly so I can have my confirmation and move on for now. I have literally spent hours finding those stories and looking at their mistaken gender pics. When I think of all the things I could be doing with that time it's so sad. Plus the energy as my dh would say, is just not positive :(
My boys are best friends and still super young, so a third boy will fit seamlessly in with them. It's the future that is hard for me to kind of grasp and feel okay about. But 4 kids is a lot more then 3 in so many aspects. And to push for a fourth knowing that it kind of throws the entire family balance off in so many ways just seems like it's not fair of me. My dh and mom keep saying just embrace the baby that's coming and then think about it, you are still pregnant and you are trying to just rush through this baby. Which is true. And so sad to think of the little one inside not getting embraced and loved as he should. I know we are so so lucky to have healthy babies and have been able to get pregnant fairly easily. I know it's not comforting to you at the moment since it still means the loss of the daughter you won't have. But once your little guy comes you know it will be amazing and you will love him so much.
I really wish for both of us that the U/S could have been wrong. But, since it is way more likely it wasn't I hope that the gd gets easier for you before his arrival. I think it's good to have found out ahead of time. It was the worst feeling to have a baby placed in your arms that is yours and is healthy and perfect and be sad about it. It happened to me with DS2 and I vowed that I would never do that again. And DS2 of course is just the most incredible little guy ever. I wouldn't want him to be any different now after meeting him. And your little guy will be just as special!!!
Hang in there. Seems like we are only a few days off for due dates. Definitely keep me posted on your 20 week U/S.