Why?

I just have one thing to say to you all that are "disappointed" in the gender of your children. I found out at 16wks that I was having a boy. I was also disappointed. He was our 5th and we alrady had 3 boys. I wanted another little girl. I couldn't shake the feeling of being disappointed. Although I felt guilty at times for feeling that way, it was what it was.

 

But at 25wks.. my son died. And I would give ANYTHING to have him back with me. I can't believe that I was EVER "disappointed" because he was a boy. He was a MIRACLE from God. And I don't wish my tragedy on my worst enemy!

 

Not to mention all of the countless women who would give their right arm JUST TO HAVE A BABY.. don't you guys realize that you are PREGNANT. You have been given such a gift. You ladies should all be counting your blessings... not complaining because you didn't get "what you wanted".

 

I know what you are feeling... I went through it myself. I just wanted to put things into a different perspective for you, that's all.

 

BE HAPPY that you are even able to carry a healthy baby.. because I know thousands of women right now who would give anything to even be pregnant.

 

Blessings to you and your beautiful miracles!

Hello ladies,

Me and my husband are trying to have a baby for a few years now with no success yet. Although I would love to have a baby girl, a baby boy will be a blessing too.

I can understand your frustration if the gender of your baby isn't what you have hoped for. I hope that these feelings will go away soon and you will be able to feel the joy in your heart.

Have a happy and healthy 9 months!!

Margie

Angell, I am very sorry for your loss. It must have been very difficult for you.

Most of the women posting here are trying to deal with their feelings of gender disappointment in a safe, supportive environment. Of course, they are all happy to be pregnant, and they all want healthy babies. However, they also have feelings that they need to deal with, and this forum is designed to allow them to safely express these feelings and work through them. None of them need to be reminded that pregnancy loss can and does occur, nor do they need to be told that they should be thankful for being able to get pregnant.

I have lost nine babies, so I know exactly what it feels like to lose a pregnancy. That didn't stop me from being disappointed when I found out that I was having yet another boy when I was pregnant with my seventh child (my sixth son).

I've noticed a disturbing trend on this board lately, where women are attacking others for their feelings of gender disappointment, and that makes me very angry. Nobody has the right to attack someone else over their feelings, especially in an environment that is designed to be supportive of women who are having a hard time dealing with feelings that they can't control and don't want to have. That would be similar to someone telling you that your baby didn't matter because he died in utero instead of after the birth. Before you think that it's not the same, let me tell you that miscarriage and stillbirth have not always been treated as "real" reasons to grieve, and not too long ago, someone could have told you to just get over your feelings of loss. It happened to my mom, and it happened to me. Your grief is real, and so is the grief felt by the moms on this forum. Allow them to express their feelings, just as you have been allowed to express yours.

Hugs,
Roxanne
Mom to six boys and two girls.

Roxanne -

 

I understand that this is supposed to be a "safe haven" so to speak where women are entitled to express their disappointment. I really didn't even want to post... but after the weekend that I just went through (we celebrated our son's 1st birthday up in heaven), I felt that I needed to share MY personal feelings and experience about all of this. Remember.. I went through these exact feelings as well (although I was not extreme). And after what I went through.. my WHOLE perspective has forever changed, for the better. And NO ONE can fully understand unless you yourself have given birth to a stillborn child.

 

I understand that these feelings are normal, and whatnot... but some of you.. are WAY too extreme in your feelings. And I think that you may need some kind of counseling or therapy or something. Being disappointed about the gender of your child is most of the time short-lived and normal. But letting it consume you/your life and "greiving" over it ..is quite the opposite!

 

I think you are getting the wrong impression of the kind of greiving some of these women are doing.  Maybe I took you the wrong way.  I completely understand how you are feeling as well, I just don't think it's right to tell someone that what they are feeling is wrong.  I have 2 beautiful little boys that I would not trade for the world and since my second have had 2 miscarriages and have been trying for nearly 2 years to be pregnant.  Of course I would just be happy to be pregnant, your right.  But in the same perspective, I have 2 boys and would love a little girl.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that, as I would love a little boy just as much if that is what I was given.  I would have thought the same as you if I didn't have any children, and wonder why there is disappointment in those wanting a certain sex.  But now that I am on the other end of things with a multiple on of one sex, I see how one could feel as these women do for longing for a little one of a desired sex.  So all in all, no one is wrong for feeling the way they do including you.  I know for a fact there are other women on this board who struggled to become pregnant for many years, ended up having kids and still long for a dsired sex in the end even having trouble in the first place.  I wish you all the best in having children down the road, but I think if you had 5 boys, you'd long for a girl too and be somewhat disappointed and need to grieve for an amount of time as well.  We do get over that yes, and in the end love the baby no matter what.

Best wishes,

Katie

Angell,

 I believe, at least for myself, when we use the word "grieve" it is not the same as the grief you feel when you loose a child . The grief we are feeling is for the loss of a dream. I want to be there for a daughter for her wedding day, when she has her children, during the holidays when my sons are busy watching "the game" with Dad ,I invision a daughter beside me in the kitchen talking my ear off about boys and friends. Things like that. 

 I have lost a child, my first son. He was almost 2 weeks over due and the doctors had no idea of the birthdefect when they induced me. 48 hours later, my husband and I had to make the hardest choice of our lives, to shut off his life support. I would have done anything to keep him alive. Even when the doctors told us that he was competely brain dead and he would never be able to sustain his own life.

 I prayed to God for the three months that followed to have another baby. When I got pregnant again I new that everything would be fine, and it was. I went on to have 3 more beautiful sons. I find myself wanting more children after each preganacy because there will always be someone missing from my life, someone I will meet again and when that sweet day comes I will be whole again.

 Now, don't talk to us about loss or right arms. No one knows the stories behind these women and what shoes they have walked in. I am sorry for your loss and I pray you and all of us go on to have alive and healthy babies. As for me , I am still hoping for that baby girl!

Kristy29,

If you are infertile, then may I suggest going onto an infertility forum? In a million years, I don't understand why someone who is infertile would even go to a gender disappointment board anyway. Stop worrying about what we have to say and how we feel and work on your own issues. We are all here to support eachother, not attack. Even though I don't care what people like you have to say, I just don't feel that these comments belong on this board.

P.S. My brother was born with severe cerebral palsy and died at age 25. My sister's baby died of SIDS. I am VERY happy that I have two healthy boys! So when people like you think I don't understand what it means to have healthy children, I have to laugh because I know FIRST HAND how to appreciate a healthy baby. But desiring a girl doesn't make me, or anyone else who desires a particular gender, a bad person.

Kristy, I can understand your confusion. It isn't easy to explain this to someone who is in your situation.

I can't speak for everyone else, but to me, I grieved for the loss of my dreams. My only sister died shortly after birth, and my mom died when I was 26. I wanted daughters to share everything that my mom shared with me, and that's why I felt disappointment when I was pregnant with my sons. It's nothing against my sons. I love them dearly, and they know that I love them. They don't hold any of my feelings against me. Each of them shares a very strong bond with their brothers, and they can understand my desire to have that sort of bond with someone of my own gender.

I do not believe that the women here are insane. They have just as much right to grieve for the loss of their dreams as you do for the loss of yours. They are here to share their feelings, to find out that they are not alone in feeling the way that they do, and to help themselves move forward from where they are. That can only be a good thing, except when someone comes online and accuses them of being selfish and of not deserving their babies.

As I said before, I have lost nine babies. There was a time when I felt like you say you do, desperate to have any baby, of any gender. I can understand your feelings, but I can't understand your attacks against the women here. Everyone has dreams, Kristy, and everyone has the right to grieve when those dreams do not work out. It's part of life. Would you like it if someone labeled you as insane for being so desperate to have a baby? I'm not trying to be cruel here, but I think you need to know that your comments are not very nice (to put it mildly), and it's time for you to put yourself in someone else's shoes. If you are angry at the women posting here, then you shouldn't read their posts. There are plenty of forums for expressing your feelings regarding infertility, and there are lots of women here who would gladly cheer you on in your quest to have a baby. However, you really do need to learn compassion for others, and you need to respect that others have a right to express their feelings. This forum is to help women cope with gender disappointment, and they should not be attacked for their feelings.

I honestly hope that things improve for you, Kristy. I don't know exactly how you feel, but it's obvious that it's causing you a great deal of pain. I'm sorry for that. I hate to see anyone in pain, and I wish I could help.

Edit: I know the post I was replying to has been pulled, but I wanted to reply to Kristy anyway.

momoftwoboys! i couldn't of said it better myself.  Maureen's very busy right now and the report link is not working at the moment but i'm sure as soon as Maureen knows about the problem hopefully these post will be deleted like her others.   

I walk away from the computer for 10 minutes to take my son to school and a post gets pulled! Maybe it's better this way, seems like what ever this Kristy said was pretty offensive. Thank you momoftwoboys and roxanne, you defended us and our feelings very well.

Angell, I understand that the word, "grieving," has different connotations to those of us who have lost loved ones. As I said in my post to Kristy29, gender disappointment is the loss of a dream, and people naturally grieve over their losses. Of course, there are differing degrees of loss. The loss of the child of your dreams is nothing compared to the actual loss of the child itself, but it is still a loss. We may feel that it's not too important, or that someone is taking their feelings to an extreme, but who are we to judge? Everyone has to cope with their own feelings, in their own way and in their own time. All we can do is gently remind them of what they have, without making them feel that they are wrong for feeling the way that they do. For most women, gender disappointment is short-lived and often disappears before the pregnancy is over. Some women have a harder time coping, for whatever reason, and we want to help them through their pain.

I definitely understand your feelings regarding the anniversary of your son's death, and I can see why you posted your feelings here. I know that you were just trying to put things in perspective, and while that is appreciated, it seemed that your post was attacking the women here for their feelings. Believe me, I KNOW that losing a baby changes your perspective forever. We can only hope that the others won't have to experience that pain. I certainly don't want them to have to go through a stillbirth just to get over their feelings of gender disappointment!

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure that this weekend was very hard for you and your family.

Again.. I DO understand what you are feeling... because I too longed for a little girl. From the moment I found out I was pregnant (I was charting and testing daily!). So after 16wks... finding out that we were going to have another boy, I was disappointed. I also was sad to let my "Dream" go of having another little girl. So I do know where you girls are coming from. I NEVER once said that you were wrong for feeling the way that you do. It is normal to have these feelings when your heart desires one thing and you are given another. It's not wrong... but after losing a child, after having these "disappointment" feelings, you are never the same person. The gender of a baby seems so small...

 

I guess I after my emotional weekend, I just wanted to share with you all my personal experience of being disappointed... then going through losing him. I just want every woman to appreciate and love unconditionally their babies that grow inside of them, no matter what the sex. It is such a miracle... let's not let something like not getting the gender we hope for, effect our lives. Nobody can play God and with a guarantee get the gender we desire. And it's okay to be disappointed. But don't let it consume you!

 

And I am not talking about ALL of you... most of you who are disappointed, will eventually let it go.. and love your babies more than anything. I am mainly talking to the women who let it interupt their daily lives. I just want them to see how lucky they truly are! I want them to give their babies all of the love that those precious babies deserve. Believe me, I have heard some awful stories about women who were disappointed and couldn't let it go. Dads who have had to step in because the mother was so depressed about the gender, she didn't even care for her baby!  Mothers who after finding out the sex of their next child, didn't take proper care of the children she already had because she was so depressed about it! Now maybe a lot of you would never go that extreme... but some of you, who knows.

 

I just want to share my perspective of all of this. I never meant to attack..

"And I am not talking about ALL of you... most of you who are disappointed, will eventually let it go.. and love your babies more than anything. I am mainly talking to the women who let it interupt their daily lives. I just want them to see how lucky they truly are! I want them to give their babies all of the love that those precious babies deserve. Believe me, I have heard some awful stories about women who were disappointed and couldn't let it go. Dads who have had to step in because the mother was so depressed about the gender, she didn't even care for her baby!  Mothers who after finding out the sex of their next child, didn't take proper care of the children she already had because she was so depressed about it! Now maybe a lot of you would never go that extreme... but some of you, who knows."

-angell

 

I find something very troubling in this paragraph.  To even think that "some of us" may go to that extreme just because we don't get the gender we desire is awful to say.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  The women of these boards have asked not to be judged and here you are still judging.  The women who have gone to these extremes probably had other issues besides gender disappointment.  Post-partum depression is a major culprit. 

I'm sorry you lost your son, it's a terrible thing to go through.  I've gone through a miscarriage as well and had to mess with a quack doctor and his b**** nurses who didn't help me at all.  I'll tell you one thing, not even having your OB/GYN help you just adds to the pain of losing a child.   Many of us here have had m/c. My MIL went through TWO stillbirths in a row.  Both baby girls that she wanted so badly after wanting her daughter to have a sister.  She still did gender selection, she wanted her baby girls back. She finally got another girl (through gender selection) after having a third son.  She didn't care, she had her long-awaited, live child. She is a strong woman for going through what she did. Like her, we value life to the fullest.  We love our children deeply and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.  They're our lives, our babies, they are ...well to a technical term 'us'.  I would die for my children, I would do anything to protect them.  If my third(living) child turns out to be a boy I will love him just as much.  He would be a part of me and my DH.  There is nothing in the world that is more special than that. God intends him to be with us and I will not question God's plan.   

There is nothing wrong with wanting a certain gender especially if you only have children of one sex.  I'm sure alot of women around the world feel the disappointment of not getting the gender they desire but don't say anything because the subject is taboo.  You, angell, and other women who hint at the fact we don't love our other children at all because they are boys or girls...bullshit.  This is a place for us to express our feelings without getting put down for how we feel.  Let us get these feeling off our chest.  This is sort of a support group of sorts, therapy if you will. 

I don't mean to fuel the fire but I needed to get this off my chest. 

Again.. I am not talking about "wanting" a certain gender... maybe you need to read my posts again. And no, I'm not ashamed of what I have said at all.. but thank you.

 

I am talking about the women... not ALL of you, but I know there are some out there... that let it interupt their daily lives. And I know that it does in certain situations.. I KNOW people who have experienced it first-hand. So it IS possible. And I feel that a lot of THOSE types of situations.. it is something other than just gender disappointment, probably some type of depression issues, or something.

 

I was trying to shed a "different" side/perspective to all of this, because AGAIN.. I have been EXACTLY where a lot of you women have been.  And I'm sorry to say, but although a miscarraige is very tragic (I helped my b/f through one), you cannot make it sound like a m/c is the same as a stillbirth. They are actually very different. And coming here and reading some of the "complaints".. it was emotional for me. Now, I agree.. my first post was a little harsh. But I had just come back from an emotional weekend.. and reading some of the complaints, it spun me. And I felt that I needed to respond. So I do apologize for my first post... because it did sound like I was attacking.

 

But unfortunately, you cannot say that every single woman on this forum will only be disappointed for a short while, then let it go completely. It is not that cut and dry. And sure, this forum is here for all women to talk and work through these feelings, to help them through it... which I think is great! But there are THOUSANDS of women who visit this forum everyday.... so if sharing MY perspective and MY side to all of this even helps only one woman reach a different perspective, then that would be great!

 

Bottom line... After going through such a tragic loss (and suffering from gender disappointment myself), I felt that I needed to share my side of this all, PERSPECTIVE is EVERYTHING!

I just wanted to add... I am not trying "win" an argument here. There is no winner. So I will agree to disagree...

 

I was just trying to give some of the girls here a different view...

 

 

Appreciate what you HAVE..