Struggling with my feelings

My brother's wife just had a perfect little girl. I am genuinely happy for them and love this tiny little thing like she were my own but I am struggling with some feelings that really surprise me. I was already terribly sad when I found out I was having a niece and that I wouldn't be the first to give my mom a granddaughter. I just feel so jealous. Like, even though deep down I wanted her to be healthy and wonderful, Part of me was hoping I'd look at her and think, "oh well, at least my son is more beautiful" but I can't say that. She's perfect. She really is. I wanted a daughter first but when I had my son instead I thought, at least he's gorgeous and brilliant and perfect and everyone in the whole family thinks he's the best thing that ever happened, like some sort of twisted way of conceptualizing a consolation prize (not that I ever could see my son as second best). But my niece is gorgeous and will probably be brilliant too and my family adores her too. Will my son just fade into the background, overshadowed by his princess cousin? I hate this jealousy. I wonder, if I'd had a girl first or if she'd had a boy would I just feel the same way? Didn't a part of me always want my own child to be "the best" in our family? Am I just insecure about not having a DD? I think watching her grow up and seeing how perfect she is will just make my GD worse and it was getting soooooo much better. We've already decided to go HT if the next is not a girl because I realize I'm running the risk of twins and I really only want 4 so if we already have 2 and happen to get HT twins (a long shot I know) we'll be done. But in the mean time my heart will break each and every day that I see my beautiful niece-- a constant reminder of what I don't have. And it would be easy to try to see the reverse-- like look at it from the perspective that my sil may look at my son and be reminded of what she also doesn't have but she never wants a boy so she is perfectly content with what she has and i'm the one still wanting more...

I know exactly how you feel! I just found out that my SIL is having a girl and I'm devastated. She will be the first granddaughter for my MIL and I know she will be spoiled rotten. I also know that my DS will be overshadowed by the baby, especially at first and it will upset me very much to see that happen. I know that my MIL will always favor SIL's kids over mine & DH's and it really hurts. I really want to keep my distance from them b/c it will also be a constant reminder for me.

I always secretly wished I could have provided the first grand-daughter on my side of the family.  Not that there was any family pressure to do so, I just thought it would be special.

But, that's not how it happened.  I realized I had to let things unfold on their own.  My SIL ended up having the first female grandchild.  The she and my sister went on to have three more daughters between them.  lol.  I felt totally fine about it.  I just had to live my own life and let things flow naturally.

Now, I will be the first one on either side having twins.  That is special too, and I'm glad to be providing some novelty to everyone. lol

GZ

I'm sorry. I think your feelings are normal.

*hugs*

First, I want to say I completely understand!!! My brother and his gf had a baby girl over a month before I had my DS2. I found out they were having a girl the same day I found out we were having another boy- needless to say I was hysterical. But, like you, I took comfort in the fact that my DS1 was so beautiful and perfect and my DS2 would be too- and he is!!! :-) The thing is, my niece is beautiful too- really beautiful. My situation differs a bit in that my SIL has a DS from a previous marriage and really spoils him, so it's not like she doesn't like boys. But I know that she is so happy to have a pigeon pair and that gets to me. All the really girly pics of her and my niece get to me sometimes, even though I do love my niece very much!

But my niece is not "perfect". For a while she was a very fussy baby, while my DS2 has been quite the opposite. I'm not a big fan of the style of clothes my SIL dresses her in, even though just the fact she gets to buy girly clothes at all makes me a bit jealous at times. My niece looks nothing like my kids (mine are biracial), and that helps a lot because I still feel like my kids have a very unique look, kwim? So I don't look at her and think that is what MY DD would like, etc. It also helps that my mom favors boys somewhat. While most everyone else I know seems to favor girls, my mom REALLY wanted me to have another boy and was thrilled when we did have a boy. She is extremely close with my boys (prob also b/c she watches them almost everyday). I too was worried my boys would be overlooked but it's actually been just the opposite! In fact, my mom calls DS2 her "baby" lol. I too wanted to have the first granddaughter, but I am happy I got to have the first grandchild. My DS1 is the only one who ever got to meet my dad (my dad passed away when DS1 was 18 months old). So while that is really sad, there is a specialness there too. YOU got to have the first grandchild, and that to me is more special than anything!

My in-laws are another story. I know if DH's sis ever has a baby girl the boys (including her own son, my nephew) will be overlooked big time. Even if I have a girl I worry, because I don't want any of the boys to be pushed aside. My MIL totally favors girls, I've posted about it many times on here. :(

As time goes on I have to say though, I am getting less and less jealous of my SIL. Her kids are 8 years apart in age, and different genders. While one time I wanted the pigeon pair BAD, I don't think it is my ideal anymore. Having two boys close in age in just amazing, knowing that they'll grow up real close just like my sister and I did when we were kids (she is 3 years younger). I already see the bond developing between them and it's so cool. Not that my SIL's DD and DS can't be close- her DS adores his sister. But there is a huge age gap. Even my SIL said to me some months ago that I am very lucky my kids are close in age and said she wished hers were too. I would LOVE to have BBGG, even better would be if I had twin girls next (I can dream right?) lol. So if I ever start comparing I tell myself how much cooler would BBGG be than BG, you know? Of course who knows if I will ever have a DD but that thought brightens my day. :)

So my friend, who knows? We could both end up having girls next, we never what life has in store for us. Just look at all the siggies on here of women who never thought they would ever have their DG and did. :)

i'm so sorry that you are going through this! family does treat girls different and there's not much to do about it but try to enjoy them too. i have two nieces and just leave the room when their moms start talking about "girls" since i have three boys. it hurts but i'm close to the one little girl and it does help a little. perhaps you will get your little girl next i hope you do:) and it's ok to feel sad about that baby.

Hi Obsessed-

 This might be mean of me to say, but even though she seems perfect now, you never know, she might be a terror!   Not that I would wish that on anybody, but babies are perfect because they can't mouth off yet.  Were you the first to give your mom a grandson?

 Thank you everyone for your support. It's unbelievably freeing to be able to say exactly how I feel and not be chastised for it. I went to visit my niece again this evening and my brother was in a horrible rotten mood and was yelling at everyone (lack of sleep---hahaha and she slept all night!) He was being so mean that my mom got up and left and then DH and I did too. I mean, we don't need that when we're there to be supportive. My mom said she's not going to visit them again for a while (we all live real close so distance isn't an issue) that she's going to spend her time with people who know how to be polite to their own mother meaning me. Then she went on to rave about how cute my DS is. Honestly, the whole exchange made me feel a lot better about the whole thing and makes me think that maybe ds WON'T be pushed to the back burner afterall. I guess we'll see how it goes. I didn't realize this would be such a roller coaster ride but then if I am completely honest with myself, I've felt this turmoil since the day last summer that I found out they were having a girl. 

AlphaCentauri-- yeah, my son is my mom's first grandchild and only grandson. She wanted a granddaughter and she told me so. All along I thought this new baby would do it for her but now I'm thinking that what she wanted was for ME to have her a granddaughter.... I just don't really know anymore. Good thing these things are so EASY to plan JUST the way you want them, right?!?!

ETA: After rereading this I got to thinking that the whole difference between my mom's relation with her son and daughter might hurt some people and I don't want that so I just wanted to say that my brother basically doesn't get along with anyone. It's just him, not his gender. My mom has me and my younger brother who love and cherish her the way your children should. I just didn't want anyone to be hurt by reading this exchange.