Just sad

It's been over one month since I found out I am having a DS. I have been through the lowest of lows in dealing with my GD since then - crying hysterically every day. A week or so ago, I thought I was finally doing better, I thought I was dealing with it okay. Today I just feel sad. I have friends who are expecting DDs and they are SO happy about being pregnant, writing facebook messages ("feeling baby kick!!"), writing blissful blogs about their developing baby, etc, etc. I feel like I have lost that excitement. I don't read my pregnancy books anymore. I planned on starting a pregnancy/baby blog - I have absolutely no desire to do so anymore. My excitement for this pregancy has vanished. I feel really robbed. I went through an extreme angry stage, now I am just. Sad. I did start therapy to help, but I still feel really empty. Like I am grieving this future I will never get to have... And the jealously, oh the jealously. I feel subjected to this life of discontent. When will it get better?

 The strange thing is? While I wanted a DD all along, I didn't think gender would matter *this* much to me. I thought I'd be happy just to get (and stay) pregnant. Where is that person inside me? Where did this new all consuming GD come from? Why do I feel like it'll never quite go away?

Sorry you are feeling this way, I know, GD really stinks!  But, hopefully once you hold your little babe in your arms it won't matter anymore--I know that's what happened to me for DS #1, 2, and 3!  Now, if I could just take my own advice!  Hang in there, it will get better, and it doesn't help having all those hormones right now, either!  Let yourself grieve, I think it's totally normal!

 OMG! I am so with you! Only its only been a day that I found out I am having a son. I am also seeking counseling. I am jealous of my friends having girls and posting their happy prego facebook messages. I can't hide the dissapointment in my face when people ask what I'm having. I won't talk to my mom, sisters, or father...very very few friends, basically the ones that forced me to talk to them. I also don't feel like this is going away. I don't want a child to feel like that. I too am like you in the fact I knew I wanted a girl but I am no fool I knew there was a chance at a boy, I had NO idea in the world that I would feel so disconnected from the baby, it was like a switch and its scary. And I am very very very angry. I have been crying since yesterday at 11 a.m and can hardly eat or sleep. I get sick everytime I think about it, and then like you said..WHY? Where is the normal sane person I used to be? Its taking over me and I don't want to even feel the baby kick or hear its heart beat. Sadly it makes my skin crawl and I want to scream. If the tables were turned and I heard of someone else feeling like I feel, I would absolutely not understand it, so if I can't understand it why is it happening to me...?!?! I don't understand and I do not want this baby, and this isn't my first this is my fourth and I love my girls so much...why do I not feel like I can love this child or even want to? 

I'm new to this forum. Please PM me if needed I can totally relate to you, though I won't have any answers just a totally understanding ear. I hope you are OK as I do myself but I know right now I am really really scared, I too am grieving a future I don't want and that is little boy parts, toys, and everything boy I can think of, I don't want to go to the grocer bcz I no longer want to see the baby section...two days ago it wasn't like that =(

starlight1600:

When will it get better?  For you, probably not until you see, smell, and touch your baby.

Where is that person inside me?  Trapped in a HORMONAL HELL.  Let some of those bastards take part of the blame.  LOL. 

Where did this new all consuming GD come from? A lot of it is being fed by the GD Forums and this website.  And by seeing your friends IRL get something that you are not.  And from previous posts, it sounds like you have a natural tendency toward clinical depression as it is.  So that doesn't help. 

Why do I feel like it'll never quite go away? Because you do not yet know how it feels to love something more than yourself.  But you will.  Soon.  And even though you won't have a DD, somehow it will not matter *quite* as much as it does at this present moment in time.  

 I recall the experience of finding out my DS was a boy. I was sure he was a girl. Everyone told me I was having a girl based on all the wives tales. I paid for an early u/s so I could hear the happy news and then, before she even said it, I could see a penis clear as day. I smiled through tears and didn't say a word for the rest of the u/s. I was silent most of the drive home. We stopped at Target to buy him his first outfit and all I could see was little girl clothes. I lost it. I was hysterical. I don't recall that I stopped crying for a solid week. I went to counseling and she helped me work out several things in my mind. Over time it got easier. One of the most essential things for me was to FAKE IT. Everyone I met I told I was having a boy like it was what I had hoped for all along. Even still, only my mom and DH know how much I wanted a girl first. When people saw how excited I was, they would start sharing their own stories with me about their amazing sons or their incredible brothers or nephews or neighbor kids. People feed off your emotions. If they sense you didn't get what you wanted they will tell you the story about something negative that will only make GD worse. If they see you are excited they will tell you something wonderful about a little boy. It helped tremendously. By the time he was born I was ready and waiting for him and anxious and excited to meet my little guy. 

The first month was a whirlwind. To this day I tell DH I can't remember his first month. It was rough. I didn't have GD but we didn't bond right away. I thought that deep down he knew I wanted him to be a girl and he resented me for it. Then one night at around 2 am, I saw moonlight streaming through the window of his bedroom and it painted this soft glow across his face. As I rocked him to sleep and I imagined dancing with him at his wedding. That was it for me. That was the moment. I have honestly not looked back since and I can honestly say that no matter how much I wanted him to be a girl I am SO GLAD that he is a boy. He is beautiful and precious and smart and has an infectious laugh. He is a ball of energy and I curious and playful and I wouldn't have it any other way. Ignore all the stereotypes you hear about boys. Go out and see for yourself how adorable little boy clothes are. Stroll through the toy section and see that boys have a lock on the cool toys! They are SO fun to shop for! They are cuddly and warm and sweet and good natured. I never thought I could love a boy as much as I would love a girl and now honestly, even though I'm swaying my heart out for a DD, I often wonder how I could ever love a girl as much as I love my DS. 

You are not alone. Just keep telling yourself that it will get better and one day you'll wake up and realize that it is. I wouldn't wish GD on anyone but I can say from experience that it will be okay and you will love that little guy more than life itself.

 i can relate, i also just found out that i am having a boy, when i just knew it was a girl... we tried so hard for a girl... i know about not wanting to read any books, or take pictures anymore... please pm me... 

Hi Starlight, I totally understand where you and alot of the ladies are coming from emotionally. I have three girls already and is pregnant again. i went for my 12 week week scan and i was sooooooooooooo looking forward to seeing some boy nubs, but didnt seeing any. i sooooo what a boy so much and my husband does too!. I know its the opposite sex were talking about but i still understand the feeling of getting something you do not wont. I hope the U/S was a mistake and that when your baby comes out, that its a healthly baby girl.