Am I a terrible mother??

Ok I am sure that some of this is sleep deprivation and emotions with having a 4 month old...

I have a 3 yr DS and a 4 month DS. Let me say first I love my children. I just can't get it out of my mind how jipped I feel for not getting the DD of my dreams. I don't like boys. I never wanted boys. They are dirty, smelly, loud, penis grabbing little pains in the butts. My 1st DS was the sweetest quietest little baby ever. I thought there was hope. He turned a year old and turned into everything I didn't want. I can't stand him. He absolutely drives me nuts. And of course knows how to push all my buttons. I love him, but I sure don't like him. Everybody tells me, oh it is just a phase. The twos and threes are the hardest years. Ok, fine but what if I still don't like him?? I know have a 4 month old DS. He is just like his brother. Sweet, quiet adorable little baby boy. But I just know once he turns a year old, he will end up the same way. All I can think about since I had him is if I should try for another. I worry all the time about what is right. I want a daughter so badly. I have dreamed of smocked dresses, hair bows and black patent leather shoes since I was in First grade.  I never get what I want in life. I feel so screwed over! But I know that if I try for a girl again, it will just be another boy. And the only reason I would want a third child is to have a girl. And even then we will probably have to wait until DS#2 gets to kindergarden. Do you know what 2 kids in full time daycare costs these days? Yickes! I can't imagine 3. These stay at home mothers have no idea how good they have it! So please somebody tell me that there is hope for me to learn to like these boys??? Cuz I have a feeling I will never get my daughter!

Let me just say that all toddlers are a pain in the butt, boy or girl. If they're not there's something wrong with them lol. I know some women personally who have had two boys then a girl, so it's not impossible.

makelifeeasier:

They are dirty, smelly, loud, penis grabbing little pains in the butts.

I feel almost the opposite.  I love my little man.  He's sassy, into trucks, gets dirty but he thinks I'm the coolest thing since sliced bread.  I dread the day he hits 12/13 and realizes mom is lame and stops talking to me and telling me things.  My parents just spent 2 weeks in Italy and just about every day I had to remind myself when I picked up the phone to call my mom that she's not going to answer.  When her mom died 5 years ago she slept in my bed for 2 nights, I guess she needed the mother/daughter bond, even if it was a role-reversal.

It makes me sad to think of teen/young adult years with 2 boys because I'm probably not giving them enough credit, but I wonder if they'd be there for me if I needed them.  Even if it was just to talk about nothing (my fave past time).

urbanwifey:

I feel almost the opposite.  I love my little man.  He's sassy, into trucks, gets dirty but he thinks I'm the coolest thing since sliced bread.  I dread the day he hits 12/13 and realizes mom is lame and stops talking to me and telling me things.  My parents just spent 2 weeks in Italy and just about every day I had to remind myself when I picked up the phone to call my mom that she's not going to answer.  When her mom died 5 years ago she slept in my bed for 2 nights, I guess she needed the mother/daughter bond, even if it was a role-reversal.

It makes me sad to think of teen/young adult years with 2 boys because I'm probably not giving them enough credit, but I wonder if they'd be there for me if I needed them.  Even if it was just to talk about nothing (my fave past time).

Just remember, all teens pull away from their parents.. just part of growing up.  You're boys will still be there for you if you need them, they'll just show it in a different way.  My youngest brother is seventeen, and he is actually very close to my mom :)

urbanwifey:

I feel almost the opposite.  I love my little man.  He's sassy, into trucks, gets dirty but he thinks I'm the coolest thing since sliced bread.  I dread the day he hits 12/13 and realizes mom is lame and stops talking to me and telling me things.  My parents just spent 2 weeks in Italy and just about every day I had to remind myself when I picked up the phone to call my mom that she's not going to answer.  When her mom died 5 years ago she slept in my bed for 2 nights, I guess she needed the mother/daughter bond, even if it was a role-reversal.

It makes me sad to think of teen/young adult years with 2 boys because I'm probably not giving them enough credit, but I wonder if they'd be there for me if I needed them.  Even if it was just to talk about nothing (my fave past time).

Out of my three (soon to be 4) boys 2 of them are teenagers.I too feared that they would no longer think that I was the coolest thing! That hasnt happened. One worships daddy but comes to me for the personal things in life....girls, problems, needs, etc. He just takes up for daddy at every chance. My other teen is loyal to the end to his mom. Nobody so much as looks cross eyed at me or he is right there. He dotes on me , takes care of me and helps with anything I may need or want. It is obvious that they have thier "favorites" right now but in the end nobody messes with their mom! My youngest is my baby and we are very close! I feel so lucky for the realtionship that I have with them and I will do anything to help keep it strong!
Teenager does not equal gone and leaving mom in the dust. At least early teens!

Ive got three boys and not one of them is as you described. they are the sweetest little boys. kind,loving and very cute. they have their rough and tumble moments, as all children do. but generally I can say I dont identify with anything you have said.

I also have a daughter, four and a half months old. Believe me thats a different story. she screams all the time and is quite a moody baby. much harder than all the boys put together. somedays theres no let up at all. I can only compare her to the three other babies I have had and she is the worst. more demanding,more irritable,more moody,sleeps less and for shorter time. not a dream daughter at all.

Obviously I dont think its a gender thing but proof that every child is different

No you're not a terrible mother, your hormones are all over the place and adapting to 2 children takes time.

There are a number of famous boys only mom's out there; uhm Pamela Anderson, Victoria Beckham, Gwen Stefani, Britney Spears....  we are in very good company!!

It will happen,deep down you do like them - fighting them won't suddenly make your appear! so admit defeat and get grubby!  

Focus on the positives of having boys, maybe some girl moms can chime in on why they want boys!

Take care

I think I can see where you are coming from, there are days when I am upstairs and I can hear my boys screaming, shouting, running, laughing downstairs - they're having fun but at times it drives me nuts. I think to myself, if they were girls they'd be sitting playing with their dolls or tea sets and how using the house like a playground. I never had GD with either, these "girls" thoughts have only started since I found out I'm having DS3, BUT they are my boys and I love them and really wouldn't change either of them (much!...lol)

Be sure about trying for number 3, because this baby was never meant to be just a baby it was meant to be a girl! I remember throwing out some of DS2's clothes thinking I won't need them again, and even if I do have another baby it won't be a boy, I wouldn't even entertain the idea what I would have another boy - how stupid was I !!!

You're not terrible, but you are misunderstanding.....that's a toddler phase and it's normal, honestly I've never seen a toddler, boy or girl who was quiet polite, charming etc....I'm sure if you had a DD, she would be exactly the same when she's a year old too. (it'll pass eventually). Then how would you feel?

I think the problem is we only have boys. I think all the same things you do.

But when I went out with my friend with three girls about a week ago , her girls were all way more dirty than my boys. My boys never get that dirty eating face. They never did. Her girls had pizza sauce all over their faces. It was so gross. Even my husband commented how dirty they were.

We just hear boys are dirty and the minute they get a peice of dirt on them we're like"Ah ha! I knew it . I knew all boys were dirty."

I do it too. It is the problem with living on only one side of the fence . We have no idea what is going on on the other side and it makes us crazy.

I know there are a lot of things we will be missing out on not having daughter but there are also a lot of things I am glad I will be missing.

And I like you thought I would try again for that girl. Knowing that I didn't want three kids , just wanted a girl. I ended up pregnant with boy number three. and miscarried at 12 weeks.

It's hard I know.

I'm sorry that you are in such a low place right now.  I'd definitely recommend not TTC again until you want another baby and not just a baby girl.  If you did end up with another boy then it could be very difficult for you to embrace the pregnancy and move forward.  Good luck!

Bless you, I know it is so hard sometimes....I never wanted even 1 boy & so far have ended up with 5 !

Yes, they are gross... only last week 1 of my twins came in & told me that my eldest had just found a dead bird & they had pulled it's head off with a twig !! I come from an 'all sister' family & we used to sit & play nicely with our Barbies (well Sindys then!)

They are a totally different species to us & beleive me, I have been on the biggest learning curve of my life.

But..... they are 'our' children, we made the chose to bring them into the world always knowing that it is 50/50. God knows that I suffer daily with GD but ..... irrelevent of their nose picking, willy flashing & farting, they are without doubt, the most amazing thing I have ever done, my special men...........

I know it so hard sometimes but someday you will truly understand why you have been given your boys... stay strong, most of us understand how you feel xx

makelifeeasier:

So please somebody tell me that there is hope for me to learn to like these boys???

Of course there is hope, but it will definitely take a big shift in your thinking.  

Instead of "They are dirty, smelly, loud, penis grabbing little pains in the butts." How about, "They are adventurous, curious, busy, spirited little monkeys."   I know it's a stretch, but you're going to have to change your view.  Otherwise, it will be more of the same.  You'll continue to feel irritated and not like them.  You'll continue to feel cheated and bitter.  If you say to yourself, "I want to lose 20 pounds!  I HATE the way that I look!" yet you continue to indulge in a diet of doughnuts and fast food, you will continue to look and feel like crap.  If you change your diet, you'll lost that 20 pounds and you'll look and feel better.  Same concept.

You also seem to have this image in your head of a pretty princess in a smocked dress and black patent leather shoes.  Sounds like it's been there since the first grade, so it's fantasy that you've held close to you for most of your life.  I totally understand.  I would love to have a "girl" mom come on this thread and post about the reality of having a daughter.  I think you'll find it's much the same as having a boy other than the "fashion" aspect.  

I also agree with the other posters that I wouldn't go for a third if I were you.  Not until you can get into a better place in your mind and be "accepting" of another boy.  If that's even a possibility.  It may not be.  It's not for many posters here, and it's great that they realize that.  

Good luck and try and focus on the positives.  They are there.