Forum for Moms recovering from GD who got DG

 

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Lots of great points here!  I can relate to many things that have been said.

While I never had to deal with severe GD, I did find it shocking to have pink dropped into my world of blue - and noone with/nowhere to discuss it all.  As amazing as it was that I actually conceived a DD, once she got here, we had no idea what to do with her.  It was kind of a, "What now?" sort of thing.  I have had serious issues with knowing how to dress her - what goes together??  I know how to dress boys for play and how to dress them for church, concerts, gymnastics, etc.

And I still, 16 months into my DD's life, have to correct myself often because I make statements that begin with, "The boys..." rather than "The kids..."  LOL

I so needed a board like one descirbed here yesterday.  I didnt know where to post after I finally ventured into the girl clothing section and was lost and overwhelmed and had to leave.  I ended up posting in the Girl Zone because I feel like I can no longer post in GD.  I've responded to posts there a few times since we found out we're having a girl but I dont feel like I should.  I feel like others there will take one look at my siggy and think i'm just complaining and I shouldnt be posting at all because i'm having my desired gender.

I'm so lost in all my feelings.  1/2 the time I dont know how I feel.  Like a pp I also thought I would be over the moon and wanting to tell everyone that we're having a girl but its not like that.  I didnt want to tell anyone and I still dont really talk about it.  It took us over a month to pick a name for her and we're still not even 100% and other than 3 outfits I got as a gift I have nothing for her.  Everyone thinks I would have ran out to the store and be in pink heaven but that hasnt happened.  I just dont know.  I'm not ungrateful for what I got its just a whole other feeling that I cannot even describe yet.  Maybe most of it is denial that she really is a "she", I probably wont completely believe it until she's here but when she gets here what do I do with her? 

I feel like she will get attention and my boys will feel left out.  I dont love them any less but i'm sure others will make me feel like I do.

I agree that there will always be something we are struggling with but if we can have a board for all the other struggles then we can have one for this also.

I came across a post in the GD forum, last night, that reminds me why I feel like I"m unable to voice my thoughts/concerns. For me there are many facets of having a dd that have left me overwhelmed!  First, like many others, I'm truly concerned about how others are going to treat my dd vs. my sons.  Both my sister AND SIL have me pretty wound up already (agreeing that my own sensitivity is partly to blame here).  My SIL goes ON AND ON AND ON about how happy and excited she is/was finding out we are now having a girl after 2 boys.  She has a dd...and I just can't help but wonder how she felt when she found out ds2 was another ds.  There was nowhere near the level of excitement for sure!! Also, I think she is happy about a female cousin for her dd...but truly, I would hope that my dd is not like my niece.   She's quite a little brute and quite sneaky and manipulative.  We alwasy have issues when she is here.  My own sister walked into the nursery this weekend and completely gushed 'oh I'm so happy for you'. (A had to be there moment...because it was completely dramatic and over the top like.....oh FINALLY a girl...there really was no way to misinterpret).  All weekend she was discussing girly clothing and colours....and turning her nose up at anything other than pink.  She was nowhere NEAR this excited about the boys.    My grandmother has done way more knitting/crocheting for this little girl than either of the boys...has even bought outfits (did not do this with the boys).  

THEN, there is this issue I'm having with what 'seems' to be the norm for little girls...and relates to the post I referred to before.  I would love to be able to discuss these feelings without having 'some' of the all-girl moms feeling so defensive about 'my' feelings and worries.  I really don't like the princess stuff. I'm so sick of hearing 'your little princess'.  For 'me' there are connotations there that are not ever part of why I wanted a girl.  I can't stand most of the girl toys and am having trouble with some of the clothing too (princess, high-maitenance type labels and captions).  Very soon after the u/s, I started thinking about how all of these excited relatives were going to go crazy with all of this stuff that I really am not keen on.....and how do I make my feelings understood/heard?  On the GD board, though, these types of thoughts seem to mean that you are petty and jealous and a girl basher.  Not the case, of course.  I swayed for a girl so I must've wanted one....am just confused about how to deal with all of these feelings.  Of course, there are also people who will be hurt that I am nothing but completely grateful to have these concerns...which is mostly why I don't post. I don't want to hurt anyone!

Also, it just seems that generally little girls are more 'approved' of....which brings out the mama bear in me for my boys.  I do think this comes along withthe stereotypes (i.e. girls are sweet and well behaved and boys are rowdy and dirty).  Strangers seem to be relived to hear that this isn't boy #3 and even today....a woman (clearly couldn't afford a few seconds to watch where she was going) nearly ran over my ds with her shopping cart and muttered some nasty things under her breath.  Who knows maybe her reaction would have been the same if he was wearing a dress....but I can't help but feel that would not be the case.  She was pushing her cart, btw, through a self check out area as a 'shortcut' and ds was less than 2 ft away from my cart, standing still.  My sister is constantly making comments about him too (though she doesn't have ANY kids and really doesn't have any realistic images of what kids are really like - um yes, they HAVE energy and occasionally make audible noises!!).  My mom is constantly saying, does she think she was perfect as a child??? lol.  Ds2 was excitedly telling her that he would be Woody for Halloween this year and Darth Vader next year.  Her comment?  "Big surprise that he'd go over to the dark side, hey??".  Ds2 is NOT a malicious boy at all.  He's sweet and lovable but he's also a bright, energetic kid that needs focus (i.e. requires structured activities or he will find his own. lol.  He's 3).  She's always wanted me to have girls though.  I told her that this one was a boy at first (because I knew that she was hoping I'd hear girl) and when I fessed up she said, 'oh good...I felt so bad for you'.  I asked why as I had told her that I would adore another boy....she actually admitted that 'she didn't really believe me!!".  How sucky is that?  I mean that is the kind of thing that really spurred on my Gender Desire in the first place.

Feels good to vent here.  Wonder if that forum is coming?

Okay I didn't read all of the replies, this got really really long before I noticed it.

I think we need both the "Moving on with all one gender" and the "Still have GD even with Desired Gender" Forums.  Because after this next baby I'm going to need one of them.  If it's a girl I'll need the first forum, since a 5th girl would mean our last DC and I'll be a MOOG forever.  But I know even if I get lucky and get a boy that I'll still be an all girl mom at heart trying to figure out where I fit in.  Plus I'm going to want to try again for another boy so DS has a brother and someone to escape from the girls with.  And that'll open a whole nother can of worms!  So please make both of these forums for us.

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I think this board will be a huge help for people.I didn't how I would feel to have a baby girl after my 3 wonderful lil guys...I didn't think its possible. Yesterday my world got a huge jolt because of the u/s tech words"Yep there is no boy parts in site...its a girl." I was so in shock and even said"What am I gonna do...it must be wrong!" I never cried so much with any of my kids...I have cried for happiness/sadness/fears and shock. I feel like it cant be true and a penis will pop out any time...I am glad I might get another u/s so I can make sure...I don't trust myself to buy anything girly...then the whole"Oh my a girl..so happy for you." "Finally a girl." "You kicked the balls of this one finally." or ppl just ignoring you all together can be hard as heck... I feel like I betrayed my boy friends and I am a huge phoney balonie! I am nutz!

Hope we can get this forum soon, because I don't know where else to post this:

A friend of mine finds out in a few weeks what gender her third child is, she has two DS. I didn't tell her about my GD, and didn't tell her what we did to get our girl, nore about IG. I am really having mixed feelings about finding out what she is having. In a way I hope she is having a girl because I think she'd be thrilled and it would be nice for our daughter to have a friend so close (our boys are really close to their boys). But (and I know it is very selfish) I know I would feel jealouse (despite the fact that I am having a girl now)  if she managed to get a girl after two boys and I did not. I never wanted a large family, just wanted a girl....
Also I don't know how to react if she is telling me she is having another boy, because I am not SURE she wants a girl as badly as I wanted, we just never spoke about it.

Can somebody say some wise words about this?

Thanks!

 

lies73:

Hope we can get this forum soon, because I don't know where else to post this:

A friend of mine finds out in a few weeks what gender her third child is, she has two DS. I didn't tell her about my GD, and didn't tell her what we did to get our girl, nore about IG. I am really having mixed feelings about finding out what she is having. In a way I hope she is having a girl because I think she'd be thrilled and it would be nice for our daughter to have a friend so close (our boys are really close to their boys). But (and I know it is very selfish) I know I would feel jealouse (despite the fact that I am having a girl now)  if she managed to get a girl after two boys and I did not. I never wanted a large family, just wanted a girl....
Also I don't know how to react if she is telling me she is having another boy, because I am not SURE she wants a girl as badly as I wanted, we just never spoke about it.

Can somebody say some wise words about this?

Thanks!

 

4 children isn't really that much more than 3 so you guys aren't really having that much of a difference in family size.  You may have only wanted a girl and not a large family (I know I was this way too) but now I look at it this way... I would have never known the sons I had if I had had a dd earlier. I know so what you wouldn't have ever known them... but I DO Know them and so, I don't feel sorry for myself (anymore)because I have a larger family in my "quest" for a female child because although it is really hard, I thought one chlid was hard when I only had one also.

Imagine how much fun it will be your sons and your dds playing together. All my friends have several dd's each, They are all older than my dd but their younger dd's are not that much older. I can't tell you how much I LOVE seeing my now nearly 2yr old running behind them. LOVE seeing the little girls I use to feel envious of, playing with my little girl and treating her like a doll. She loves it, I love watching them all. I love more that watching kids play doesnt make me feel jealous anymore.

I say HOPE your friend has a girl so LIKE your boys you can watch your girls play together like your sons do. IF she has a 3rd son, you hug her and say CONGRATS on your third son, and welcome to the club! ANd you tell her it isn't easy to get into this club and only the rare and special are invited. And you say it like you mean it with the most sincerety and then you ask all the same things you would if she was having a girl. What is his name, have you went shoping? Are you going to tell the boys etc.... Make it a big deal. Because it is a big deal. 3 sons as you know is a great blessing.It is often everyone else telling us it is a bad thing that makes us sadder than we would normally be.

mamerpp:

Dance Like No Ones Watching

We convince ourselves that life will better after we get married, have a baby and then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids arent old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that out lives will be complete when our spouse gets a better job, when we can afford a nicer car, are able to go on holiday, or when we retire. 

The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. Your life will always be filled with challenges. Its best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. 

Alfred D. Souza once said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life"  

This perspective helps us see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way

So treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you have shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with and remember that time waits for no-one....

..so stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you move, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off,  until Spring, until Summer, until Winter, until the first or the fifteenth, until your song comes on, until someone calls you, until you die..

- to decide that there is no better time than now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Remember

Work like you dont need the money

Love like you've never been hurt

And dance like no-one's watching 

 

Hope that might help a bit. I certainly dont mean it in a preachy either. I think it just shows that it is human nature to feel like you are all feeling and its hard for everyone to just be happy! 

Will need to read this a lot to myself in the next few weeks as I come up to the time and then have my new baby! 

Happy vibes to all!!! 

This just made me cry! I duno maybe because that is so me! I'm always waiting until something! Life is precious!!!

dream:

I say HOPE your friend has a girl so LIKE your boys you can watch your girls play together like your sons do. IF she has a 3rd son, you hug her and say CONGRATS on your third son, and welcome to the club! ANd you tell her it isn't easy to get into this club and only the rare and special are invited. And you say it like you mean it with the most sincerety and then you ask all the same things you would if she was having a girl. What is his name, have you went shoping? Are you going to tell the boys etc.... Make it a big deal. Because it is a big deal. 3 sons as you know is a great blessing.It is often everyone else telling us it is a bad thing that makes us sadder than we would normally be.

Thanks for taking the time to answer me. Not having anyone to talk about these issues is making them more complicated than they really are. You were able to send my thoughts in the right direction. Thank you for doing that.

Hugs,
Lieske

lies73:

dream:

I say HOPE your friend has a girl so LIKE your boys you can watch your girls play together like your sons do. IF she has a 3rd son, you hug her and say CONGRATS on your third son, and welcome to the club! ANd you tell her it isn't easy to get into this club and only the rare and special are invited. And you say it like you mean it with the most sincerety and then you ask all the same things you would if she was having a girl. What is his name, have you went shoping? Are you going to tell the boys etc.... Make it a big deal. Because it is a big deal. 3 sons as you know is a great blessing.It is often everyone else telling us it is a bad thing that makes us sadder than we would normally be.

Thanks for taking the time to answer me. Not having anyone to talk about these issues is making them more complicated than they really are. You were able to send my thoughts in the right direction. Thank you for doing that.

Hugs,
Lieske

You are welcome! And congrats on your new baby girl! You will love having a daughter with your sons. :) We are lucky to get to raise both genders.

 I have to agree with Portia...but i do worry that if I have a girl she'll be favoured by society of my wonderful little boy...

I still think though that having GD after having say two of your desired gender may mean there are issues that need to be delt with by some form of therapy instaed to truely get over it, maybe around deep underlying issues with men?

I think alot of single gender mums with three or more kids might feel really cut up by  a forum like this...although I KNOW this is not the intention of it..it's just one of those things. We need to be so careful on these community's, feelings and emotions are made of glass and are so easy to shatter...

I DONT WANT TO OFFEND ANYONE...big love..

 I'm replying to myself which is sad but I wanted to re itterate that I really have sympathy with the forum thats wanted but I just worry about some of the single gender family mums on here that pm me and are so so SO very sad..mew ...I re-read my post and dont want it ti sound snotty!

there is nothing offensive in what some of the women said. It isn't about someone having all one gender or not... I had 5 sons, and was confused at my feelings when I found out I was pg with dd. I 100% had no more GD. So I am not even comparing my feelings to that. I wasn't sad at all I was confused!??!?! I felt very very protective of my boys, I felt I had to SHOW everyone that they mattered.. I felt I couldn't give dd the attention I gave the boys because every one thought she would be a spoilt princess because well how can she not with how much I wanted her. She puked all the time and was really collicy, barely wore dresses( because of the puke) and really as a newborn didn't seem much different than my boys... except I felt I had to treat my boys specific ways.. GUILT over how much the same she was and how much I felt neg about my boys when pg with them. And suddenly people didn't value my opinion on places were I once felt I belonged (here and mostly other GD boards I use to go to) Like how could I possibly understand GD pain??? I wasn't an all boy mom anymore and well that is a VERY large part of who I am as a mother. I felt kicked from the club which is rediculous of course since a mother of 5 boys can never  be kicked from the mom of boys club... that is silly.  But I was, because suddenly I was throwing it in people's faces that I had a dd. Which I wasn't, but if I did mention any joy I felt over having my dd it was considered rubbing salt in open wounds.

No I didn't feel GD after she was born. No I don't feel the longing at all any more, but I can understand how it is hard to change shifts. Fortunately, it didn't take me long and I eventually said who cares what anyone thinks. I am going to show love for my dd just like I did with each and everyone of my sons when they were born. She is after all ONE of my children and I had no shame in bragging about my newest baby boy, why should I her.\? And I DO say it is fortunate to raise both genders because I am grateful that I finally get to, even if it took 20yrs of parenting and being nearly 40yrs old to start to experience it on both sides. why should I excuse my feelings? It was after all what I wanted and longed for for sooooo long... it was worth it.

Having a dd didn't take all my "boo boo's away" but it did fill a hole in my heart. Some people it won't, some people it will. That is just life and if we can talk about women wanting to abort their undesired gender baby with compassion and understanding, I think we can do the same for the women who have expressed their feelings in this thread. Sometimes if you KNOW something might rub you the wrong way, dont' read the thread. I know I have to do that often.