Forum for Moms recovering from GD who got DG

Portia West:

Auhmmm I may sound as unsupportive now but having "GD" still

after getting your dream gender child seems a little bit over the top for me -

I mean there are always things in our lifes that we will struggle with, that is how life is!

And making it such a big deal that you had your dream gender child and still suffer

from GD makes little sense to me, and I can see that for some

it may even make their own GD feel even worse as they can see people

here who did get what someone else dreamt so much about , and yet they

still feel disap. If you dont feel like belonging onthe GD-forums you have so many other

forums here to write on instead. These are my thoughts about this

This is a perfect example of the kind of crap we get for feeling the way we do.  And why we have to hide in private and feel like we're skulking around.

Our feelings are no longer valid because we had the DG.  "You got what you wanted and I/we didn't, so p!ss off now please."

Thanks for trying OP but I think I'll go back into hiding...  We obviousely can't even discuss the idea without being shot down in flames I doubt we'd get much support for a forum of our own.

jamie3boys:

 It is about letting women who are still on their journeys know that GD does not magically disappear like we all think it should.

GD is very complex and this is just another very real facet of it.

That's because GD, ultimately, is a part of that MESS which we call LIFE.

I'm getting tired of the GD label.

As I read through people's stories...  as I see things "come out" as posters become more comfortable sharing their personal struggles and their demons, I'm convinced more and more that it's not all about having a "dream gender" or a "dream family."  It's *way* more than that.  That's just the way it's manifested in the lives of the women (and men) here.

I may not understand this group of posters (the ones who finally have their "dream" gender-again a label that I dislike), but I can relate to the "adjustment."  And I definitely buy into the theory that once you have your "dream" (ugh) gender that life is not perfect and the journey is not complete.  There will be another mountain to climb after you finish that one...  and another.  It's all about "managed expectations" if you ask me.  That, and realizing that true happiness comes from "within" and is not dependent on something that you "have." (i.e. I will finally be happy/complete/fulfilled/whatever if I have a DD or DS or...  furthermore a brother/sister for my DD or DS)

But probably I should just be talking to a wall because 99% of the people here think that you're only going to be happy if you get your ever-elusive desired gender...  Like these kids are the ultimate "magic pill." 

 

BeebsNBubbs:

I may not understand this group of posters (the ones who finally have their "dream" gender-again a label that I dislike), but I can relate to the "adjustment."  And I definitely buy into the theory that once you have your "dream" (ugh) gender that life is not perfect and the journey is not complete.  There will be another mountain to climb after you finish that one...  and another.  It's all about "managed expectations" if you ask me.  That, and realizing that true happiness comes from "within" and is not dependent on something that you "have." (i.e. I will finally be happy/complete/fulfilled/whatever if I have a DD or DS or...  furthermore a brother/sister for my DD or DS)

This is so true, and something we all need to work on! We all have different issues that come in part by how we view the makeup of our family and how we react to other people's comments about our family, no matter how many boys/girls we have. It can be about too many kids, not enough, all boys, etc etc! Each family is special and we need to learn to love our families for that very "specialness". I'm pretty sure most of our issues don't really fall under the heading of "GD".

Portia West:

Auhmmm I may sound as unsupportive now but having "GD" still

after getting your dream gender child seems a little bit over the top for me -

I mean there are always things in our lifes that we will struggle with, that is how life is!

And making it such a big deal that you had your dream gender child and still suffer

from GD makes little sense to me, and I can see that for some

it may even make their own GD feel even worse as they can see people

here who did get what someone else dreamt so much about , and yet they

still feel disap. If you dont feel like belonging onthe GD-forums you have so many other

forums here to write on instead. These are my thoughts about this

PortiaWest ~ I am not saying that GD doesn't get better.  My whole heart is to let people know it doesn't magically disappear after DG is here.  It takes a little bit of time and it brings up a tons of other issues that it hard to find a place on the board to post about.  None of us want to make someones GD worse.  If we are struggling with bonding with our DG because of the guilt we feel over extreme GD we may have had with a previous DC is gutwrenching.  And then on top of it, not being able to come to the one place where people seemed to have understood you before is hard.  We don't want to put it in our birth club forum as to not hurt the women on there.  We would never dream about posting in the GD section and even posting it in the recovering from GD section is hard for fear of being flamed.

I think it is good that this is being discussed and actually appreciate your post.  This is a very real issue.  It is confusing and it is painful to discuss.  GD causes painful wounds that leaves scars, but before it heals it has to scab over.  This is the place many of us are at, scabbing over.  (Gross, huh?)  I can't think of another analogy though. 

Here is another question, you say there are plenty of other places to post on this board.  Where would you suggest someone post about how they are dealing with depression?  Then you notice in there siggy they just had their DG.  Where would be a safe place for that so that they don't get flamed on top of it all?  This isn't a sarcastic question, please understand my tone to be very humble and looking for help here.  What about if they have their DG and are PG again and afraid their GD will surface.  Where should they speak about this?

I, for one, am not claiming I am still "suffering" from GD.  I will say that I am still affected by asects of GD just like tons of other women.  The forum's purpose is not a clubhouse for casual talk, posting about how wonderful our DS are, but to discuss these different aspects.  The GD section of this board isn't used for hanging out and this one shouldn't be and I don't feel would be either. 

Knowing the women here and their hearts, no one wants to hurt others, that is why we hide behind PMs.  I am at a place where I think I've sorted my GD out but I really think it is important to help others. No one here is saying, "oh, poor us."  We are just saying, "Hey, holy sh*t, this was not supposed to happen, it was supposed to disappear instantly."  It is not an instant fix.  Some women can adjust faster than others and some find as time goes on different issues pop up.

Gosh, I wish I could convey to everyone that they reason a lot of you are so shocked and maybe angry is EXACTLY the same reason we were (past tense for me) so confused.  NO ONE HERE EVER TALKED ABOUT IT AND YET SO MANY GO THROUGH IT. 

I, for one, am really happy this is being brought into the light and being talked about.  I needs to be.

.

BeebsNBubbs:

jamie3boys:

 It is about letting women who are still on their journeys know that GD does not magically disappear like we all think it should.

GD is very complex and this is just another very real facet of it.

That's because GD, ultimately, is a part of that MESS which we call LIFE.

I'm getting tired of the GD label.

As I read through people's stories...  as I see things "come out" as posters become more comfortable sharing their personal struggles and their demons, I'm convinced more and more that it's not all about having a "dream gender" or a "dream family."  It's *way* more than that.  That's just the way it's manifested in the lives of the women (and men) here.

I may not understand this group of posters (the ones who finally have their "dream" gender-again a label that I dislike), but I can relate to the "adjustment."  And I definitely buy into the theory that once you have your "dream" (ugh) gender that life is not perfect and the journey is not complete.  There will be another mountain to climb after you finish that one...  and another.  It's all about "managed expectations" if you ask me.  That, and realizing that true happiness comes from "within" and is not dependent on something that you "have." (i.e. I will finally be happy/complete/fulfilled/whatever if I have a DD or DS or...  furthermore a brother/sister for my DD or DS)

But probably I should just be talking to a wall because 99% of the people here think that you're only going to be happy if you get your ever-elusive desired gender...  Like these kids are the ultimate "magic pill." 

 

 

Very well said.  I agree about the "dream" child or gender label.  I hate it to.  When I use the abbrev. DG, I am thinking "desiered gender".

My hardest thing has been the guilt.  Mainly the guilt that I didn't bond with DD and I was pissed my whole pregnancy.  With DS I was in love the moment I heard "Little boy bits!"  I am still not as close to her as I am him and it bothers me.

I also felt like I was "kicked out of the club" and thought about it in those exact terms.  Especially because I have "PP", I automatically feel hated here.  I can't say anything because I have not only read tons of posts complaining about those with PP, but have even made them myself at one time.  I love this site and the people here.  I never go to the GD forum, the only time I respond to posts there is when I click "New Posts" and see something interesting or that I think I can add some insight to.

I am not sure if others here would appreciate it if we had our own forum.  I have thought about just blocking this site on my comp and moving on, but like I said I am so close to so many here.  I made a profile on cafemom a long time ago and a few times I have went back to it and tried to "get into it" but just can't.  I like the people here.

BeebsNBubbs:

But probably I should just be talking to a wall because 99% of the people here think that you're only going to be happy if you get your ever-elusive desired gender...  Like these kids are the ultimate "magic pill." 

OMG that avatar of yours is too funny, I refuse to be a "MOOG" myself

AprilMay:

GD used to mean disappointment over not getting a certain gender. Then it meant disappointment over not getting your "dream family". Now it means disappointment over GETTING your desired gender and still feeling sad. I am so confused!

I absolutely would have responded this same way to posts like these before I had my daughter. But now that she's here, I am also experiencing feelings that are surprising and unexpected and don't seem to belong anywhere on IG. I love the idea of a forum for people in this situation where we wouldn't be posting in GD and offending people who are deep in the midst of GD and still feel like someone is missing from their family. I would not call what I feel now "GD", but it's a really complicated set of feelings--part guilt over previous GD, part a sort of "survivor's guilt" because I don't understand why I got my girl while so many others who are equally or more deserving have not, and part realization that having a dream come true doesn't turn life into a happily ever after perfect little fairy tale. I would love to have a forum for discussing this with others who are in the same place.

I can relate to all of these feelings.  I haven't had my DD yet, but I can't seem to get past my feelings. DH thought I'd be jumping from the rooftops wanting to tell everyone I knew "It's a Girl!!!" for that matter, so did I, but I can't do it.  Part of me is worried that they were wrong, but the bigger part of me is worried how my 3 DS will react.  Were they not good enough?  What if it had been DS4, was that not good enough?  I am glad that I did not have the chance to sway b/c I feel God sent her (assuming the u/s is right) to me and I had no part in that.

I told DH this morning that when we are finally ready to start telling people she's a girl, the first person who says to me, "I hope you don't forget about those boys" will get smacked b/c I don't find that funny, but also it's b/c it is a real fear that others will forget about my boys, especially DS3 who is so young and won't understand what is going on.

I don't know that I would create posts in a new forum, but I do know that I will be able to relate to others and am glad to see that I'm not weird or alone in these feelings that I have now.

I worried about it too.  When I was pregnant with my first dd.  I was very worried how my son would feel.  It really hasnt been an issue.  He loves that we have princesses in the house.  He thinks they are great.  We do try to make him feel special too (because he is)... and remind him that everything we are doing for the girls we did for him when he was a baby.  The truth is that you really love your boy even more once you get your girl... you are totally free to love all that is boyish about your boy... without resenting any of it at all. 

The worst part are the comments stupid people make while you are pregnant or shortly after.  The, "well the U/S could be wrong.  I know several people that decorated the nursery pink and then ended up with a boy."  Well, thanks that is helpful.  I appreciate you trying to crap on my situation.  Nobody says that to be sweet.  They say it to bring you down. 

I also would get the, "well don't forget about your boy!"  Oh yes, the blonde kid that runs around my house for the last 6 years that came out of my va jay jay... is that the kid you speak of??  Hmmm, yes.  It would be so easy to totally forget all about him.  Except that he runs past me 100 times a day and he talks to me incessantly and I adore the kid and he was my first born and I STILL HAVE THE STRETCH MARKS from when he was in my stomach.  Seriously?  You really think I am just going to forget all about him??  You stupid stupid simple minded people.  lol.  It infuriates me when people say such thoughtless things. 

You will not love your sons less.  You will love them more.  No one loves my boy less.  People treat him with as much love as they always have and I make sure of it.  If they are complementing the girls... I make sure that I bring my ds in to it by saying they are so lucky he is the best big brother, etc.   

Try not to worry too much.  These things have a way of working out.  :o))

 

 

asis4BCA:

I can relate to all of these feelings.  I haven't had my DD yet, but I can't seem to get past my feelings. DH thought I'd be jumping from the rooftops wanting to tell everyone I knew "It's a Girl!!!" for that matter, so did I, but I can't do it.  Part of me is worried that they were wrong, but the bigger part of me is worried how my 3 DS will react.  Were they not good enough?  What if it had been DS4, was that not good enough?  I am glad that I did not have the chance to sway b/c I feel God sent her (assuming the u/s is right) to me and I had no part in that.

I told DH this morning that when we are finally ready to start telling people she's a girl, the first person who says to me, "I hope you don't forget about those boys" will get smacked b/c I don't find that funny, but also it's b/c it is a real fear that others will forget about my boys, especially DS3 who is so young and won't understand what is going on.

I don't know that I would create posts in a new forum, but I do know that I will be able to relate to others and am glad to see that I'm not weird or alone in these feelings that I have now.

I went through nearly the same thing when I found out I was having a girl.  Part of me was resentful that people were so happy for me when had I told them I was having DS#4 their reaction would have been very different.

I am so glad some of this is coming into the open.  Even if a forum isn't created for adjusting after GD, we need to find someplace already here that would be appropriate to post about these subjects.  No one wants to be insensitive to others as we have been there and all the sudden we are on the outside looking in but still want to feel wanted and like we still have a place.  Further, that we can still be helpful to each other whether we are still on our journeys or at the end.

 

At the top of every page here, right below where it says InGender, it says "the straight truth about gender selection."  This whole subject is part of that truth and shouldn't remain hidden anymore.

 it would be a forum I could actually post in.. I got my DG.. and yet.. I still have some GD over the fact that I will never have a son.. df is done having children.. we wanted a girl for all the right reasons.. 

when I first got pg I was sure it was a boy. and it took some time to get used to it.. then I started LOVING the idea.. maybe it could work.. the boy stuff looked so cute..

now.. I am still over the moon. we are getting our second dd.. but this also means I will never have a ds.. and that in intself hurts.. so hard to explain.

I never feel like I have a right to say anything because I did GET my DG! we swayed very hard for her.. and I am so happy.. but it also ment I had to let go of something else.. kwim?

i would love a forum I could express myself in and not feel horrible about it.. 

I also purposefully haven't added that DC4 is a girl to my siggie b/c I still feel like I can relate to those with one gender and until she is here I won't truly believe it, but having a at the bottom seems like I'm rubbing it in somehow when I really had nothing to do with it.

 

I don't think anyone is trying to hide anything, but I will admit that you should have your own forum, because this type of GD is very different from the GD someone like me is experiencing. It is nice for everyone to have a place where they are free to vent/talk/sympathize with other people who understand. Because you are right...I can't understand this type of GD and I never will understand it, because I will never have a DD, so these types of issues will never come up in my life!

I'm sure Maureen will give you that forum!