How do I handle my friend's obession with having a girl?

Lillithrivan I just want to say that some of the things you said areprobably true. I am jealous that she is having a girl. I am worried that our next and last baby will not be a girl. Those things are def all true and I am probably more upset about those than what her actually behavior has been. I do think she was being over the top about it and rubbing it in my face a little but maybe its not that bad and I have been exaggeratin or being really sensitive about it. It just that she KNOWS I was upset when I found out Colin was a boy. She KNEW that I wanted a girl. I was upset that Colin was a boy but I wasn't that upset because I figured oh well the next one will be my girl. However now that we are going to start trying again soon I am beginning to realize that ...I might never have a girl. This is it. I might never have a daughter. I have faced the fact that this next baby very well may be another boy. Its something that I am just going to have to get over. I'm worried about how I am going to get through that though with her as my friend.

ow gosh! I so wished it would be a boy! because of her behavior. imo she doesn't deserve what she wanted! and you're sooo right! why did she get a girl by acting like that? it's so god damn unfair! I'm angry too right now! hugs hunny! And it's very logical for you to feel this way right now! I think you may also be a little jealous, but it's only logic.

Please read my thread reality check in the other GD forum.

Also, I think given her life path of having a girl and being over the top with it.... and your GD it is best you distance yourself from her.

You can try to talk it out but she doesnt seem like she's going to be able to hold back for long and really... and I hate to say this...

why should she? she tried for years to get pregnant. She hoped and dreamed for a girl and I dont think she was trying to put it in  your face as much as you took it as that. I think she is really just like WOW excited. And it came to you like it was putting in your face.

Being your sensitive state with this... I think you should distance yourself. I am sure you will love baby #2 regardless boy or girl. And I hope you find peace in your heart with having a boy... and the possibility of two boys.

BTW I would love love a little boy. That is our DG. We got a little girl as our first and it taught us a HUGE lesson. She is our world. I wouldnt trade her for a boy ever EVER. We are expecting again ... and we hope for a boy but totally accept if it is another girl she is meant to  be here with us. She is bound to do great things like DD#1 and we will love and enjoy our daughters just as much as a boy.

 Aww giveme...I hope I did not offend you I was just trying to open your eyes to maybe the deeper issue...which you have obviously seen...I am with you..I am currently pregnant...with my last...and all I ever wanted was a girl....and this one..well looks boy so far...and everyone around me is having girls..and they all know how bad I want one...my dh ex is havn her second girl..and once again using my baby girl names...and my sil is having her first baby and its a girl..and now my sister is havin a baby and in five weeks we find out girl or boy ..and I am so jelaous..of all them...I keep thinkng horrible thoughts and deep down i dont really mean them...but its hard...I love this baby and suffered horribly already from gd...so now I am trying hard to just accept it...and be happy...plus since this is my last and im almost 28 weeks and still fighting gd..i wanted to enjoy this pregnancy and all ive done is cry....and wine..and complain...and hate....so now im just trying to enjoy it...what ever comes comes..but i feel you:(...it is hard...but she obv was facing gd fears as well....maybe seeing you so upset about being preg with a boy made her react the way she did...and maybe she forgot how upset u were since u seem to be so happy that u have him...we do not always do things on purpose..yes she should of remembered and toned it down around you....all i can say is give it time..:( if you truly cannot handle it because she has a little girl and you dont....i can understand...i know i wont be able to be around some ppl now cuz of it....but hopefully you can get over this and just be happy....your not even pregnant yet and your extremely worried..maybe work on your gd now before starting??? Trust me..if ths is your last you dont want to spend it suffereing from gd..its been awful and i regret ever feeling this way...not that I knew how to handle it or that I would feel this way this bad.......but maybe get counceling or something and then go for your baby prepare yourself that this might be a boy and if so can you handle having another baby right now????? Good luck hun:( Im so sorry this has gotten to you so bad:(I know before I got preg I was just starting to learn about sway...and I was starting to obsess then....maybe that was part of my downfall...???

 Tammie 78..not to sound rude or anything..but how can u say someone deserves to not get what they so desperatly want??? it was already mentioned that she has trouble getting pregnant...How do you know she wasnt suffering from gd??? her best frined suffered gd with a boy maybe it scared her??? maybe its just always been a dream to have a girl and yes she wants three but how likely is it that she will get three?? maybe she knows deep down this might be her only one and she cant help but hope that her one chance gives her a girl....I do not see how you could say something like this.....have you suffered gd?? I know giveme is suffering gd and that really the problem is shes scared she wont have a girl....and now her friend has one...I dont think this woman was purposly rubbing it in her face..i think she was just so overjoyed that her dream came true and what is wrong with that??? You have no right to wish things like that on her...i have been fightn gd this whole pregnancy...Hell no did i want another boy...Id love it the same but i wanted a girl so bad i told myself this has to be a girl..just has to....does that make me a bad person and deserve to have a boy now?????? not that saying if is a boy like we think now...that it is bad but do you realize how crushed it has made me knowing this is prob a boy????? I have wonderful boys so yes I will love him regardless but it is my dream to have my own little girl.....so why wish something like that on someone....I understand how giveme feels...and as she will have to see this little girl quite often i can understand the pain and the deep negative desire to hope that she heard boy....but really how can u wish that kind of pain on anyone???? Im sorry but that was very offensive to me...obv you have not felt gd full force...there are different levels of gd and there are different ways of handling it and u are entitled to your opinion but how could you say something like that....you dont even know the woman....you wont see her with her daughter all the time...we all think its not fair that all these ppl get their dreams...hell i feel same way bout my dh ex...shes a horrible mother..and i mean horrible..she doesnt deserve children yet she keeps having them and keeps getting little girls...and on top of it shes stealing my little girl names so yes I wish soooo deeply some truly horrible things..and feel that it isnt fair she gets what she wants..and i know shes rubbing it n my face.hence stealing my girl names..so i do understnad how giveme feels....even giveme has admitted that maybe shes overeacting..maybe what she thinks is rubbing it in her face honest happiness and just relief....i know i would be over the moon if mine turns out girl..i wouldnt be able to help it..im still excited even if boy but i mean be honest....i just know if  had proof this was a girl and it stayed a girl omg..id be screaming it to the world..id be so relieved so happy...cant help it...but niether can she...just like if giveme gets to have her little girl which I hope she gets...shes not going to be able to contain herself either....it be the same if this woman wanted a boy.....shed be over the moon that she was getting a boy...so does it really need to be so hateful twards this woman...yes she should be greatful that she is having one at all..but shouldnt we all????? I mean..i should just be happy that my baby is healthy especially with all the problems I have faced now....and i am beyond happy that it is..but there is still apart of me that really wants a girl so bad that i cant help but hope for one....we are only human..we arent perfect...just because we still have desires and dreams does not mean we arent still greatful for what we do have and what we might get...Sorry if this offended anyone but I felt very offended and sorry for ths other woman..I feel sorry for giveme as well because I know how she feels...and she is really the only one who has the right to feel so hurt by this other woman...but we dont know this woman we wont have to see her little girl and us not have one...so why should we be so hateful to her...what if she was one of us on here?? were here to support all with gd and she obv has gd as well.....giveme wanted to vent...thats wonderful so many were here to listen to her...but why fuel her fire..??? I read so many comments that just supported her hating and prob made the gd worse....some of you did not seem to see the real problem..the problem she really needed help with....not the fact that her friend has gd but the fact that she has severe gd so bad that shes not even pregnant yet and shes so hurt....how does telling her that this other person is so wrong for wanting a girl so bad....because now she wants a girl just as bad....and now if it were me id feel like isnt it wrong for me to want a girl as bad as she did???? I mean thnk about it....your telling her its not ok for this woman to want the baby girl this bad and she deserves to have a boy because of it...and that makes me sick too.....you make it sound like punishment to have a boy...thats just making it worse too...shes obv still coping with the fact that she had a boy and not a girl.....and here you guys make it sound like ya she deserves a boy to teach her a lesson.....thats so horrible......Im sorry but many of you need to think before you act...giveme needs support....but the support i have seen is just going to make things worse...she needs someone to help her cope with her gd issues and I really really hope that these comments dont make them worse...i know its nice to hear others agree...but to go as far as saying things like that???? I want to hear yes your not crazy for feeling this way and what not but i dont want to hear shes horrible for thinking like that because i think like that:(....Im sorry giveme I hope you can heal from all of this and i really hope you seek counceling before you start trying to have a little girl just incase..beacus trust me you deserve to have a healthy happy pregnancy regardless of boy or girl....you deserve what ever baby you get...boy or girl it is a gift....not a punishment....

 

I apologize for making anyone upset by this post...I was very upset and emotional from it...I truly hope that giveme wont be too hurt either as she is gong through such a hard time and i feel so sorry for her and wish i could just give her a hug:( Be strong either way GIVEME!!! 

I agree with Lilli...

If you want a girl so badly... how can you judge someone so harshly for wanting one too and then being so thrilled and excited for finally getting pg and finding out it is a girl?!?!

and wishing a boy on her... it made me cringe reading those comments. I want a boy! I get so upset reading posts that are all negative. When people are here for support and not to be fueled!

Boy or Girl... a child is a blessing. If I ever heard someone say having a girl was a punishment Id lose my sanity so quick and they better run for the hills. My DD is a blessing and I am biased but one of the coolest smartest funniest prettiest little girls on the planet. And adding another DD would not be a punishment for us wanting a boy.... it would be a blessing!!

Some people need to be happy about their healthy children they have HERE in this life and stop hating on those with genders they want so badly. BE GRATEFUL. jeez.

I agree giveme needs to seek therapy before TTC#2... prepare yourself because youre not even pg again and you are already throwing all this anger at your friend.

I also think you should seriously consider drifting from this friend because bringing her down when she is so happy isnt exactly a great friend thing to do. And you wouldnt want her to do that to your happiness either. I predict a major blowout one day in the future if you dont get this under control and I can bet giveme is the one at fault. Sorry.

ALSO numerous times since our DD was born Ive gotten fantastic comments like "wow you two know how to do this right!" meaning make a great baby...

And "Mom and Dad make a beautiful little girl good job"

Makes me think.... I love my DD so much and we get such wonderful comments about her ... do I love her enough to want another version of her?

OF COURSE I DO! Bring on another girl. She'll be awesome and beautiful like her older sister.

giveme... would you not want another version of your DS?

 just putting it out there..i wasnt trying to be hard on giveme or rally against her....i can understand how she feels and she even admitted she might of overeacted and i thnk she just needs some support and counceling...its the others that are fueling her hatred for her friend that i am upst with...they dont even know this woman and are sayng these negative things....obv they dont know what gd is or how to handle it because right now as both giveme and her friend are fight gd they need support not more to edge them on.....and yes she should distance her sefl for her sake and for her friends sake....gd is hard...and its horrible...

Lili it's about the way she acted and behaved! or misbehaved that is.

 and she even said nothing against boys but i just want a girl. So there...she was acting as a normal person would....I guess I am evil then because I know for a fact as soon as I hear girl..if I ever get to hear girl..im going to be shouting it out. And still...NO ONE..deserves to have their dreams broken and put through this..when you go through gd you will understand where both of these ladies are coming from....but you obv have not faced this ordeal yet and should not be posting comments like that....we are not here to fuel eachothers hate and anger..we are here to help those with gd...or guess what the genders are...or well info on swaying and what not..but no where on here do i see lets hate on other ppl who have gd and lets hope they dont get what they want just because they expressed it is what they wanted.....

I don't think anyone is begrudging the woman her happiness. She is happy she is having a girl after infertility, yay, good for her. However, i do think that she is perhaps being insensitive to her friend (knowing her history)  and a little obnoxious. Would you over the top gush to someone about being pg to someone who had infertility, I know I wouldn't, no matter how happy I was. 

 

 Lilli-Thank you for your support

Winter- You nailed it on the head! It is more about the way she did it. I have no problem with her being happy. If you get what you want then be happy! But like I said...I think the comments she said to me were a little over the top... "This better be a girl" and then just this morning she sent me a stupid text saying she was "relieved" after her ultrasound yesterday! I mean come on people she is bring pretty insensitive towards me. A simple "I hope I have a girl" or "Yay I am happy its a girl" would have been just fine but its these other comments that are so rude and hurtful. 

Hopefaith- You obviously missed something. Who said I am bringing her down? I have not said ONE negative thing to her ever about having a girl. In fact I texted her back saying "Congratualtions!" and how awesome it was. I didn't say how I truly felt. Jeez I have more sense than to do that. I just come on to these forums to vent about how I am really feeling. I would never actually say anything rude to her face...she is my friend! I think she should be happy about having a girl. That IS awesome. I am jealous no doubt about it. My goal is not to bring her down at all. All I was trying to say is that she could have censored her comments towards me a little bit. When she struggled to get pregnant for 2 years and I got pregnant right away...I DEFINETELY censored myself with her because I knew how jealous she would be and that it would probably hurt her feelings A TON knowing that I got pregnant after 2 tries! In fact I didn't even tell her I was pregnnat until I was half way through my pregnancy I was that concerned about hurting her feelings! And when I finally did tell her I was really quick about it and I didn't dwell on it. She of course said congratulations but I know that she was very sad. I made a point of it throughout my pregnancy to not even talk about anyhting baby related or being pregnant unless she asked me specifically how I was doing or asked me a baby question. I did that out of respect for her. I fugured if she wanted to talk about it then she would ask me a question. All I am saying is that she knew I was dissappointed in having a boy. I wasn't over the top about it. I wasn't overly depressed about it. All I told her after we found out the gender was that I was a "little dissappointed it wasn't a girl" and how I was a little sad. She listened and seemed to understand. So now that she is pregnant with a girl I just can't believe she is making comments like "she is relieved" and stuff. It is hurtful. She should censor herself like I did and just say positive comments or maybe just limit the amount she talks about the gender....at least to me knowing its a sensitive subject. That is what friends do! Also you mentioned something in your post about how people should just be happy with having a healthy baby and stuff. I mentioned in other posts that I should just be grateful that I have a healthy baby and get over this stupid wanting a girl thing but I can't help it! Its only natural to want what you want. I'm sorry but hoping for a healthy baby....that is a given. Everyone hopes for healthy children and I don't think anyone would disagree with that being on this board. We are all here because we desire a specific gender. DESIRE. That does not make us horrible people or ungrateful. We would love our children no matter what they were when it came down to it. No gender is better than the other.

BTW everyone.....look do I want a girl? Yes. If I have a boy will I be dissppointed cuz I already have one? Yes. Am I going to lose it and need counseling or therapy if I have another boy? No. I was just really mad yesterday at the world and needed to vent. I was looking I guess for people just to say I was justified in how I was feeling or maybe give me some other insight on how to handle the situation. I really don't need to be bashed for wanting something or for being mean to my friend! I haven't said or done ONE BAD THING to her. All of this talk has been between me, my husband, and this computer! She has no idea I feel this way. For all she knows...I am over the moon about it for her! I put on a happy face for her. I am hurting on the inside. Sorry if it came across like I am absolutely obsessed with having a girl and my life will be over if I don't get one. I love my baby boy and if I have another boy then life will go on and he will get a brother. I will be sad that I wont ever have a daughter but maybe if I just start getting use to that idea then I wont be so sad if our baby #2 sway fails. I will hopefully be prepared and wont be sad for too long after the ultrasound. 

 

PS: I hope that you all get what you want...boys or girls! Everyone deserves to be happy! 

Winter:

Ugh, she annoys me and i don't even know her. I would be quite offended by her comments, she really should know her audience,she seems a little clueless. However,  she will probably be insufferable either way. If she gets a girl she will be so in your face gushing about it and if it is boy she will be all sad and vent to you about how unfair it all is. I don't really know what you can do about it other than try to change the subject and talk about anything other than gender to her. Can you avoid her? 

I totally understand where you are coming from. I also understand wanting a particular gender ( and it doesn't bother me on this board) but I admit that in real life it bugs the crap out of me when people have such strong preferences especially if it the first kid or if they already have that gender.

 

 

ITA. She is boy-bashing to someone who has a boy (you) and that's just rude. I have a similar friend from whom I've def. distanced myself...

Winter:

I don't think anyone is begrudging the woman her happiness. She is happy she is having a girl after infertility, yay, good for her. However, i do think that she is perhaps being insensitive to her friend (knowing her history)  and a little obnoxious. Would you over the top gush to someone about being pg to someone who had infertility, I know I wouldn't, no matter how happy I was. 

 

ITA with the above also. The woman knows you are worried about never having a girl and still says all those things about wanting a girl so bad and buying pink stuff (so materialistic btw). It's like she's rubbing it in your face or that having boys is good enough for others but not for her. I just think that is plain insensitive, not to mention puerile. Of course, I don't know her and I'm the first one to be glad when people with infertility finally get a child, but she just took it to the next level, as you said. Not to be a debbie-downer, but I was in your shoes, feeling the exact same way - having a son whom I loved to death, but scared I'd never have a DD because we only had one shot left (we wanted max 2 kids too). Well, DS2 was recently born. Of course, I adore him and DS1 is so glad to have a brother (a boy was his DG). So my GD has lessened since he's in my arms. On the other hand, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't sad knowing I'll probably never have a DD. It feels surreal actually (in a bad way)... It's hard letting go of the dream, esp. when a bunch of people around us have what we are longing for, when 50% of kids out there are our DG and are constant reminders. So anyway, can't offer much advice other than to distance yourself from this friend if she makes your GD worse. Even if I were in her shoes (getting my DG on top of getting over infertility), I would never act the way she does around you because it just lacks respect. She can just save all that girl rejoicing for her mom or her DH or someone other than you basically.

Givemeaxx:

 Lilli-Thank you for your support

Winter- You nailed it on the head! It is more about the way she did it. I have no problem with her being happy. If you get what you want then be happy! But like I said...I think the comments she said to me were a little over the top... "This better be a girl" and then just this morning she sent me a stupid text saying she was "relieved" after her ultrasound yesterday! I mean come on people she is bring pretty insensitive towards me. A simple "I hope I have a girl" or "Yay I am happy its a girl" would have been just fine but its these other comments that are so rude and hurtful. 

Hopefaith- You obviously missed something. Who said I am bringing her down? I have not said ONE negative thing to her ever about having a girl. In fact I texted her back saying "Congratualtions!" and how awesome it was. I didn't say how I truly felt. Jeez I have more sense than to do that. I just come on to these forums to vent about how I am really feeling. I would never actually say anything rude to her face...she is my friend! I think she should be happy about having a girl. That IS awesome. I am jealous no doubt about it. My goal is not to bring her down at all. All I was trying to say is that she could have censored her comments towards me a little bit. When she struggled to get pregnant for 2 years and I got pregnant right away...I DEFINETELY censored myself with her because I knew how jealous she would be and that it would probably hurt her feelings A TON knowing that I got pregnant after 2 tries! In fact I didn't even tell her I was pregnnat until I was half way through my pregnancy I was that concerned about hurting her feelings! And when I finally did tell her I was really quick about it and I didn't dwell on it. She of course said congratulations but I know that she was very sad. I made a point of it throughout my pregnancy to not even talk about anyhting baby related or being pregnant unless she asked me specifically how I was doing or asked me a baby question. I did that out of respect for her. I fugured if she wanted to talk about it then she would ask me a question. All I am saying is that she knew I was dissappointed in having a boy. I wasn't over the top about it. I wasn't overly depressed about it. All I told her after we found out the gender was that I was a "little dissappointed it wasn't a girl" and how I was a little sad. She listened and seemed to understand. So now that she is pregnant with a girl I just can't believe she is making comments like "she is relieved" and stuff. It is hurtful. She should censor herself like I did and just say positive comments or maybe just limit the amount she talks about the gender....at least to me knowing its a sensitive subject. That is what friends do! Also you mentioned something in your post about how people should just be happy with having a healthy baby and stuff. I mentioned in other posts that I should just be grateful that I have a healthy baby and get over this stupid wanting a girl thing but I can't help it! Its only natural to want what you want. I'm sorry but hoping for a healthy baby....that is a given. Everyone hopes for healthy children and I don't think anyone would disagree with that being on this board. We are all here because we desire a specific gender. DESIRE. That does not make us horrible people or ungrateful. We would love our children no matter what they were when it came down to it. No gender is better than the other.

BTW everyone.....look do I want a girl? Yes. If I have a boy will I be dissppointed cuz I already have one? Yes. Am I going to lose it and need counseling or therapy if I have another boy? No. I was just really mad yesterday at the world and needed to vent. I was looking I guess for people just to say I was justified in how I was feeling or maybe give me some other insight on how to handle the situation. I really don't need to be bashed for wanting something or for being mean to my friend! I haven't said or done ONE BAD THING to her. All of this talk has been between me, my husband, and this computer! She has no idea I feel this way. For all she knows...I am over the moon about it for her! I put on a happy face for her. I am hurting on the inside. Sorry if it came across like I am absolutely obsessed with having a girl and my life will be over if I don't get one. I love my baby boy and if I have another boy then life will go on and he will get a brother. I will be sad that I wont ever have a daughter but maybe if I just start getting use to that idea then I wont be so sad if our baby #2 sway fails. I will hopefully be prepared and wont be sad for too long after the ultrasound. 

 

PS: I hope that you all get what you want...boys or girls! Everyone deserves to be happy! 

Well said! I hope you'll log back in to read my posts!