So Alone ...lost my little boy at 19 weeks.

I feel so helpless, so guilty, so sad, no numb, so so upset. My little boy ..... I went for my 20 week scan and no heart beat, the next thing I know I was in hospital screaming to put my son back in, what did I do wrong to deserve this pain, I am supposed to be out celebrating buying blue cloths but I am picking out earns. I cant talk to my family and friends when I do I just feel worse, I am really confused about were to go , I am lost. I have 3 healthy boys all I wanted was a girl.... yet, I am blessed with this beautiful little angel and I feel so guilty if I hadn't been so selfish his poor little soul would not have to go trough this. Now all I can think about is having another son to fill this massive hole. I want to know if anyone knows of a online support group? I don't want to go trough this alone......I want every body to know I loved him I love him. My husband dose not want to try again . :( all I can think about is being pregnant again feeling a baby inside again....so selfish .... the only time I feel ok is when I am asleep in my dreams I dream of him every night I just want to be asleep so I can be with him. How do you cope how do you put a happy face on for your children and do everyday things, keeping "happy and being a good mum" is so so exaugsting (sp) I just want to hold him again just once :( just to wisper in his ear how sorry I am and how much I love him and will for the rest of my life.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I have no advice re: an online group but wanted to tell you that in no way is this your fault. Please don't blame yourself. Your little boy knows you love him and will always be a part of you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Life can be so cruel, just not fair. I am so sorry for your unimaginable loss. I wish you strength and courage to get through this dark period of your life. There are other ladies in here that have unfortunately had late losses, hopefully they will be able to offer you all the support that you need. Hugs to you and your family.

 This is heart breaking I'm so sorry for you loss :(

(((Hugs))) I am so, so sorry.  I joined two groups at baby center after I lost my son that helped.  One was the regular miscarriage forum and another was pregnancy loss in the 2nd/3rd trimester.  There really is no worse feeling than giving birth to your baby, never hearing them cry, and then leaving them in the hospital.

On another board I frequent - they have a loss board- here is the link

 http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/4493594/ShowForum.aspx

I have no words to comfort you or to make this horrible feeling go away!  i wsh i did. 

All the best to you! 

here is the link again - monkeys ate my last post

http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/4493594/ShowForum.aspx

It is not your fault, nothing you felt or thought could have caused this. Your little man was just too good for this earth. I just am so so sorry for your loss, the pain you must be feeling is unimaginable. :(

im so sorry for your loss, i just lost my baby last week and she was due to come home with us in just 2 more weeks, i went crazy in the hospital, i felt like i died!she was full term and we lost her because her cord was wrapped around her so she died from that:( i know how u feel, and i just dont underdtand WHY? i have had alot of support and great friends that help, but i wish i just had my baby,we have all her stuff waiting for her and she is not coming home, all i can say is be strong and its not your fault, theses terrible things happen and it just sucks ssoooo bad, do not blame yourself, theres nothing u could have done, but u didnt cause it but stay strong read good info and stay on forums and do supoort groups wherever they have them where u live, im trying to stay busy or i will fall into a bad depression and i dont want that cuz i want to try for another baby,just terrified it will happen again

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what agony you are going through and hope that one day you are able to find peace. May your sweet angel boy look over you from heaven above. ((((Hugs)))))

This just breaks my heart I'm just so sorry... I know that your sweet little angel knows how much his mommy loved/loves him.

So sorry for loss, its heartbreaking.

This is no way your fault your baby boy knows how much you loved him.

My thoughts and prayers are with you x

aww sweetie i went though the same thing. i know how much you are hurting right now. i know the darkness you are in.  i heard its  girl for the 5th time and i lost it. i cried and cried and screamed and wished the baby would just go away. i got my wish. 2 weeks later my water broke and my daughter was born. she was born alive and kicking but only survived for 2 hours. instead of bringing her home in a  pink blanket i brought her home in an urn. i still cry. i still miss her. i had another daughter a year later but she can never ever replace her sister. although i will say she did help me heal. take comfort in your children.  grieve hun, if you need to talk we will get in touch. thoughts and prayers are with you. hugs

I can relate to this. I was pg last year with my 4th boy. I wanted a girl but was blessed with a boy. I went through feelings of guilt when he passed away at 18 weeks. Stuff like this is out of our control. It's not our fault. The heart wants things. There is nothing wrong with that. You didn't love your son any less because he was a boy. You just desired a girl. God doesn't punish us for wants and desires. What I can tell you is you will feel better again. You won't right away but eventually you have to allow yourself to live and feel happiness again. You just find your new normal. Many hugs! I know it's hard :(

I am so sad reading your post, I can't imagine how you are feeling. One thing I do know though is it's not your fault. You clearly love your little boy beyond words, and in my book that makes you a fantastic mum. I bet your other boys and your husband can attest to that. We all have things in life that we would like to experience, such as having a daughter as well as sons , or vice versa. 99% of women I know would have a desire to raise both genders and that doesn't make them(or you) a bad person, it's natural, and I don't believe you are being punished at all for having that desire. You have not done anything wrong. Your son chose you to be his mum for a reason, he saw what a great mum you are to his brothers and knew you would love him exactly the same no matter what, which is exactly what you are doing. Try not to be too hard on yourself, you don't deserve it. I hope you find peace and healing in the coming months....