How did your friendships change when friend has/gets desired gender and you have GD?

I feel myself distancing myself from my friend who is expecting her first child. She REALLY wanted a DD and (of course) is getting a DD. Well, I REALLY wanted a DD and (of course) am getting a DS. I find it really tough to talk to her, look at her freshly painted pink room, etc. She is so excited about her DD - I can't tell you how much this hurts. I wanted that to be me. How to deal?

Definitely I felt stings when others around me were having girls while I had bad GD with DS.

But for me, it never impacted my relationships with those people.  I don't know why.

I don't have any great words of advice on how to cope.  I know us being disappointed when others get what we wanted (or sometimes, what they wanted) is irrational.  It's not like there is a girl quota and other people having girls reduces our own chances!!  lol

BUT, I am now on the other side of GD and can say... you never know what the future holds.  Had I known I would some day have twin girls, I know I could have been a lot more calm about my own severe GD with my son.  Although, this is probably not a helpful comment to anyone but me...  lol

GZ

In july I stopped tallking to my 2 best friends bc They both had girls and I had a boy with #3 and It hurt to be around. It wasn't the primary reason but it added a push over the edge.

 I think you will actually feel differently when your little guy is born. I don't know if this is just a personal thing but I always find that I never really *want* other people's children, as much as they are cute or whatnot, because I'm so totally in love with my own. I would like a little girl, not really had serious GD though with this pregnancy (my second son - and had none at all with my first son) but I definitely don't feel jealous of my friends with daughters, just happy for them I guess (I do envy strangers tho lol). I think that you'll be able to bond over baby stuff, regardless of gender, and I think you'll find that as much as you might still long for a daughter, you won't long for her friend's daughter because you'll be so head over heels in love with your son. I hope that is the case anyway, but either way I know you'll make an awesome mother! 

I was in the same boat once. I was having 3 boys and my best friend and my SIL both waited so long before even thinking about children, they thought they should enjoy life long enough without children and then both got pregnant right away with off course a DD. I was so jealouse, how could life be so mean to me, I wanted a dd since I was in my early 20 and got my first baby when I was in my late 20.  Then I had THREE boys. And than these two women who were almost to old to get babies because they wanted to travel the world first, just decided "ok we give it a chance, I don't know if I am gonna like having children, we know what we got now but don't know what life will be with children, etc".
AND THEY BOTH GOT A DD!!

I had really a hard time seeing them and I surely had problems seeing their little girls. It spoiled our friendship.
BUT, now I do have a DD after all, and believe me, for 3 years I was sure I would never get a DD and felt GD very badly, I feel guilty about my behaviour, never showing any interest in their girls.

So maybe it helps you thinking a DD might be in your future aswell, I know you find it hard to believe when you suffer GD, but look at all these women here who finally got their DD.  If I had known what was in my future I would have been a better friend and would not have kept distance. Now I have my DD but I am not seeing my best friend anymore and see my SIL rarely only on special occassions and we used to be very close.

But I totally do understand your pain, it hurts, I know.

Lieske

shortly after I had ds#4 my best friend was pg with twins. She already had two teen girls and really was hoping for boy/girl twins or two girls. SHE didn't want two boys. I was excited for her being pg because she had to do IVF to have her twins.

And then (while now being pg with ds#5 gender unknown at that time) she found out what she was having. She called me up excited that the twins were indeed boy girl exactly what she wanted! (she wanted a girl for both her older dds) she then said the first baby they said BOY and the second baby they couldn't see gender at first and she became really scared they would say boy again but sure enough they said GIRL and she was over the moon. She was having exactly what she wanted... again...... I said my cheers for her and then got off the phone.

For a week I was in a horrible funk... I cried on and off (because I just knew my new baby was going to be another boy a 5th son) and I felt so terribly ashamed that I could be so depressed about her getting what she wanted.

BUT SHE ALWAYS does! (still does HAHA!) and I just wanted ONE girl.... now she was having 3... and the one boy she also wanted.

My mom asked me shortly after what was wrong. And I said I don't want to talk about it. (because I was embarrassed) and she said is it because BF is having boy/girl twins and you wish you could have girl? I nodded with tears really coming down... I said it isn't that I am not happy for her... it is just why can't once it be me who gets what I want. She always does. Why can't I for a change.

fortunately my mom was really supportive. (and ironicly that friend has ALWAYS been the friend to be the most supportive to me wanting a dd)

It is hard. But I got over it and when her twins were born... strangely enough even though I was pg with my 5th son, it was her darling little BOY baby that I could'nt keep my hands off of. He is still one of my fav little guys 5 yrs later along with my boys of course

 Dream you are always so inspiring! ITA! I think the problem is that I lived through my high school years constantly feeling envious of other people, for being prettier, skinnier, smarter etc than me, and now I see that envy just ends up eating away at you and making you feel really sad and insecure and unhappy instead of embracing the blessings in your life. This really hit home for me when I was at a party in sixth year and a girl came up to me, considerably worse for wear, and admitted that she'd always been so jealous of me because she thought I was so pretty and clever and had things so great (news to me I can assure you lol). If you end up being so eaten up with envy at your friend becase she had the gender make up, family wise, that you want, then you'd probably end up feeling really bad at being round her and her baby and then you'd end up losing a good friendship. I think dream is right, if you hurt and grieve privately but put on a brave face and pretend to be happy for others, you might be surprised at how you eventually end up feeling. Also, as a PP said, you never know what could happen in the future - maybe you could end up getting everything in life you want and other people will feel very envious of you. I honestly understand can understand how you feel but my life is always so much better if I just concentrate on myself, counting my own blessings, instead of comparing myself to what others have (or don't have)! 

 I don't really think my friendships have changed at all unless they have said some rude comment about my all boy family, Then I have no problem distancing myself from them.  After I had my second DS one of my friends said to me "I hope you make sure they don't grow up to be little a$$holes" it was said as a joke (you know, ha ha men are such jerks)  but it was such a rude thing to say about my 2 beautiful little boys,  I haven't talked to her since. I do get super jealous of people who seem to get exactly the gender/ family they want with no effort at all. If I hear of someone getting a girl after a boy or visa versa I get so jealous I can hardly see straight. Its funny though when I actually see the kids in person even if it is some cute girl it doesn't bother me one bit, their not my kids. 

I think you will feel different after you have your own baby in your arms.  There is just nothing like your own child, yes other peoples kids are cute and I enjoy them but the feelings I have when I look at my 2 boys are just so powerful, everything they do amazes me. Yes, your friend might have a girl on the way but you will have your own child who will love you more than you can imagine. When your baby reaches out for you or smiles at you for the first time, I guarantee your heart will melt, he will be exactly the baby you need and you won't be able to imagine your life without him.  

Winter:

If I hear of someone getting a girl after a boy or visa versa I get so jealous I can hardly see straight. Its funny though when I actually see the kids in person even if it is some cute girl it doesn't bother me one bit, their not my kids. 

This is SO SO SO true!!! I am always sickly jealous when I hear someone is expecting a girl, but when/if I actually see their dd's in person, it doesn't really bother me at all. The only time it bothers me is if someone says something anti-boy or negative about my family b/c we don't yet have a girl. But other little girls, even baby girls, never bother me... because just like Winter said, they aren't mine! The only time I might ever really feel a pang is when I see adorable biracial baby girls (my kids are biracial), but even then it passes because even they aren't mine.

There truly is nothing like your OWN child... it's just something you can't understand until your baby is in your arms for the first time. It's magical. :)

Pregnancy was the hardest time. It didn't really affect my relationships long-term, but during pregnancy I was insanely jealous. Now it is no big deal unless they go on and on about how they don't like boys or girls are better or whatever. That's straight up rudeness and I don't want to hear it from anyone, let alone friends.

wee1emski:

 Dream you are always so inspiring! ITA! I think the problem is that I lived through my high school years constantly feeling envious of other people, for being prettier, skinnier, smarter etc than me, and now I see that envy just ends up eating away at you and making you feel really sad and insecure and unhappy instead of embracing the blessings in your life. This really hit home for me when I was at a party in sixth year and a girl came up to me, considerably worse for wear, and admitted that she'd always been so jealous of me because she thought I was so pretty and clever and had things so great (news to me I can assure you lol). If you end up being so eaten up with envy at your friend becase she had the gender make up, family wise, that you want, then you'd probably end up feeling really bad at being round her and her baby and then you'd end up losing a good friendship. I think dream is right, if you hurt and grieve privately but put on a brave face and pretend to be happy for others, you might be surprised at how you eventually end up feeling. Also, as a PP said, you never know what could happen in the future - maybe you could end up getting everything in life you want and other people will feel very envious of you. I honestly understand can understand how you feel but my life is always so much better if I just concentrate on myself, counting my own blessings, instead of comparing myself to what others have (or don't have)! 

Thank you!

Weird too is, this friend who never ever experienced GD ever (because she got what she wanted 4 times in a row exactly what she wanted each pg) SHE was the one friend who visited me in the hospital after ds#5 was born. She is also the first person who was there for ds#1,2,3,4 and dd #1

She was there for all my babies and rejoiced for each one of them. And she listened to me and although she didn't understand, she really wanted me to be happy.

And she always thought my babies were a "big deal" no matter what their gender. didn't even matter how many times I was pg she was excited each time for me.

That is a friend. I am glad I didn't let my envy get the better of me. She has been there for me in more ways than one.... even though she always gets what she wants.. which I will admit, I still don't get LOL.