Am I a terrible mother??

pinktastic:

But..... they are 'our' children, we made the chose to bring them into the world always knowing that it is 50/50. God knows that I suffer daily with GD but ..... irrelevent of their nose picking, willy flashing & farting, they are without doubt, the most amazing thing I have ever done, my special men...........

Sorry to hijack, but I wanted to say that I think you are wonderful, pinktastic.  You have an amazing attitude and your 4 boys and one on the way are very lucky.     (even though your heart is hurting terribly)

I just wanted to pop in and say that my boys were all darling babies. Nearly identical in personality and temperaments. Now they couldn't be more different. My oldest is my all-boy boy. Ds2 is my quiet, sensitive child. Ds4 is sort of in between. And DD is nothing short of a terror most of the time. Lol. There's not a doubt in my mind that she will be every one of the qualities that you listed. My best advice to you is to fake it til you make it. You might surprise yourself with how many things you end up enjoying that you thought you'd hate. I sure did.

makelifeeasier:

. I don't like boys. I never wanted boys. They are dirty, smelly, loud, penis grabbing little pains in the butts. My 1st DS was the sweetest quietest little baby ever. I >

My boys aren't this way either...they are quite clean,sweet and fun. All kids are pains sometimes and so can my son's too. I have seen my share of dirty,rude,loud,parts grabbing and it was from either gender. I guess thats why my GD isn't nothing more then the fact it seems ppl have nasty comments on boys and that along w/ my dh and I keep hitting the blue button till just recently..

 No, you are not a terrible mom. Toddlers are just difficult. And for as much as we think it is difficult for us, it's the same for them.

I can remember quite a number of times growing up, my mom would tell me that she loved me because I was her child, but she didn't like me. I'm pretty sure I'm her biggest disappointment, and she's done a good job being honest about it to my face or over the phone. Right now may be a tough time for you, I'm sure we will all have plenty. But just remember to take a good deep breath (or 10) and try to remember why you love your son even for as agitating as he can be. I think my relationship with my mom could have been a lot better over the years if she had just been a bit more understanding and not tell me she didn't like me. And I'm sure it's probably not something you would say to your son, especially at three years of age. I think it's hard sometimes to remember that our little ones love us because they don't know any different, no matter how much they drive us mad :)

First please excuse that I can't seem to make paragraphs on this site anymore so sorry for the annoying read. I have to respond because you sound so much like me. I had a 4 year old and a 3 month old and my husband was deployed for 6 months. LET ME SAY YOU ARE NOT A TERRIBLE MOTHER!

makelifeeasier:

They are dirty, smelly, loud, penis grabbing little pains in the butts.

This is not everything your boys are. I know you feel that way at times and I think you are halfway joking. I promise this is what you see through GD colored glasses. Once you move beyond GD and you will. You will notice just how special lil boys can be.

makelifeeasier:

I can't stand him. He absolutely drives me nuts. And of course knows how to push all my buttons. I love him, but I sure don't like him.

He pushes your buttons because he is your child and he knows you will love him unconditionally this is not a boy thing. He is also dealing with having to share you and DH with this new baby who seems to be sticking around all of the time. Just something to look forward to is that I have noticed at 5 my DS started to settle down and not get on my nerves as bad.

makelifeeasier:

 I never get what I want in life. I feel so screwed over!

When you get to the point that you are tired of GD consuming your life. You should start counting your blessings instead of your have nots. That helped me. And let me tell ya sista I was dark and deep with my GD. Sometimes God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. You might not see it yet. But someday you will watch DS1 teaching DS2 something new in a few years and they will catch you spying and DS1 will look at you with a look of pride and maturity that he has now become the teacher and DS 2 will look at you with a look of wonder and excitement about what he just conquered and you will see your unanswered prayer. Or someday DH might say something cross to you and the shortest knight in shining armor will come to your rescue and puff up and fervently defend his greatest admirer and you will see. Someday when a lil boy runs in front of you and jumps over something and adds a sound effect you will think " lil boys have the funniest sound effects"

makelifeeasier:

And the only reason I would want a third child is to have a girl. And even then we will probably have to wait until DS#2 gets to kindergarden. Do you know what 2 kids in full time daycare costs these days? Yickes! I can't imagine 3. These stay at home mothers have no idea how good they have it! So please somebody tell me that there is hope for me to learn to like these boys??? Cuz I have a feeling I will never get my daughter!

If a third child is not an option until your 4 month old is in Kindergarted then don't think about it yet. Just keep telling yourself that someday maybe if you have a third then maybe it could be a girl. And worry about that gender when there is a baby or a thought of baby to think about. Take the next 5 years to enjoy what you have and enjoy the fact that your options are still open. Your fate is not sealed yet. FYI Stay at home moms have the hardest job in the world. I went back to work because I couldn't hack it as a SAHM. They also for the most part sacrifice financially to make that sacrifice for their kids. They drive older cars or don't get their hair done as often, clip coupons. You will like your boys. Just wait until someone makes a cross statement about how horrible or stereotypical all boys are and see how fast mama bear jumps into a defense stand. Good Luck with your journey this will pass and you will find peace with your boys. I don't know if you will find peace about not having a DD but you will find peace and happiness with what you have. Good Luck

Nope you are not.

Just yesterday, my 4-y-o daughter put red ink blots all over her life-size picture on her wall. She poured away a bottle of hair mist down the sink, and tore open whole box of my shiseido  facial masksheets and placed each on her dolls' faces. What's more, a few months ago she used three of my Guerlain lipsticks as crayons to draw shiny monsters and rabbits on her sketchbook. 

And she is still called a model student by her kindergarten teacher...."Y is very attentive and writes/reads at the top of the class." Girls are trouble too, at least until now. That's just a phase.

Hey MLE I can completely relate. I have a 2 year old DS and a 11 m.o DS and my 1st was amazing as a baby... everything was so smooth and he was so easy he was a dream baby. Then when he got to 18 months it was like a switch went on and he turned into a devil. I used to sit there and think where did my baby go. I sat there one day and cried watching my son throwing sticks and playing with a toy gun and shouting and throwing rocks. He was not what i had imagined my son to be like. I could swear that i have pulled a new bald spot in my hair. He is an opinionated, stubborn, unreasonable little turd who believes that he is always right.... I hate that about him but only because it is a reflection of ME. But I also love that all those qualaties are the ones that have stopped people walking over me and my partner for years and i couldn't have created him any better. Yes ok he finds farts amusing and believes that play doh is one of the five food groups and will announce to people in a resturant that food comes out you bum and drink comes out your wee wee.... but thats what makes him special. Your DS may be trying at times and it may seem like he couldn't get any worse even if he was satan himself, but there must be times where you find yourself in hysterics at something he has done or said. My DS was a horrid baby and i felt i was being punished but now he is such a little clown he learned how to clap and it is now a regular trick and since he started walking well the world is his oyster. I like you am scared to have a DS for my third and really dream of a DD and suffer GD but the boys keep my on the ball and life would be so boring without them. I really hope you feel better soon GD is a horrible thing to have.

makelifeeasier:

They are dirty, smelly, loud, penis grabbing little pains in the butts.

Oh, how I'd love for you to meet my 3-year-old daughter. I could post a picture of her here, little blond princess that she is, with her huge blue eyes, long lashes, pink cheeks, and rosebud mouth, and you would be sure I couldn't hope for a more beautiful, daintier, girlier girl . . . right?

Wrong. She is absolutely the loudest, dirtiest, craziest child I have EVER seen, and if she had a penis I assure you she'd be grabbing it at every opportunity. It's a constant battle to keep her from shouting indoors because she has no volume control. She is always covered in dirt, paint, mud, or food, no matter how often I bathe her or wash her face - so much so that she's known as "Pigpen" among our friends and family. She's so rough when she's playing that she has split my lips and busted DH's b*lls more times than we can count (my 6-year-old is actually sporting a black eye courtesy of her little sister right now). Her favorite things to do include running about with her underpants around her ankles, sticking items in between her little bum cheeks, and wrestling. She wants nothing to do with pink or purple; her favorite color is green.

But you know what? She's so funny. And smart. And sweet, in her own way. As hard as it can be to keep up with her, as exhausting and messy as she can be, she has us splitting our sides laughing at every turn. Who she is has nothing to do with whether she's a boy or a girl, and everything to do with . . . well, who she is. She's a typical toddler and her own little person, and it all comes with the territory. I wouldn't change a single thing about her, or about any of my children - though that doesn't mean that they don't wear me out and push me over the edge nine days out of ten!

You're not a terrible mother. You're just in a difficult place emotionally right now, your son is in a difficult stage developmentally, and you've had a long time to build this idea in your head about what it means to have a daughter (and what it means to have sons). The previous posters are right: Those things aren't the reality. The reality is that our children are individuals and don't usually turn out the way we expect them to. They always surprise us, sometimes in not-so-good ways, but sometimes in great ways. 

It's not wrong to want a girl, or to want to do all those things with a girl. I'm sure if I'd never had a daughter (or a son), the longing for one would always be there no matter what. But I also agree that there's something to be said for making a conscious choice to see your children as individuals, not as "just boys", and for making an effort to focus on what you have rather than what you don't. It won't make the pain go away, necessarily, but it does help, and it's good for your children too.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

 

 

definitly don't try again, yet.  I made that mistake back in May.  I thought I wanted another baby, but I really didn't.  I just wanted my girl.  Well here I am at 25 weeks with my 4th boy, and regret it.  I know I can't take it back, but I wish I had waited a little longer until I was sure I wanted another baby, and wasn't just chasing my dream.  Now I dread my due date, hate midwife appointments because it makes me aknowlege that I am even pregnant, and have been avoiding my friends because THEY seem to be so excited about it.  This is a horrible place to be. 

I do feel for you on the "smelly pain in the butts".  I can't stand men in general for their tail-chasing, farting, burping, crude-joke-loving ways.  I'm always thinking, "Grow the F__ up!"  I dread my boys growing up because I know they may someday be the very person I can't stand.  And even if you raise them to be different, they're still male.  All the influence in the world can't change that.  We don't allow guns ect. in our house or on TVand they still find a way to "gun fight".  It's just in them.

I'm sure whatever I've said didn't make you feel better, but please don't think you are a bad mother.  I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

makelifeeasier:

I don't like boys. I never wanted boys. They are dirty, smelly, loud, penis grabbing little pains in the butts.

 

lol. I agree.  Mine are too, at least were when they  were under 4.  Now I only have one boy under 4 and he is all of those things, still.  

I only tried for #3 to get a girl, because obviously I couldn't be so unlucky as to get a 3rd boy hey?  But I was, yes, and I was depressed for the following 20 weeks until he was born, and even then I didn't really like him for a few days (until I bagan to feel sorry for him because his mother didn't love him).  I decided to try for # 4 only after I decided that I would rather have 4 boys than just the 3. After all, I may as well expand the joke to 4 (my relatives thought it was hillarious that I was a boy-makin'-machine because we are a mainly girl family).

I tried to make my boys as girly as possible before I had my dd, and that made me feel a lot better.  Another thing that made me feel better was finding another lady who had 3 sons and when their boy-ness was getting us down we would bag boys and maleness for an hour or 2 at a time and afterwards we both felt sooooooo much better and could then love them more.  Our boy bagging sessions were like a steam release valve on a preassure cooker.  I always felt great after talking to my frined.  And I also felt like I wasn't alone.  She was the only one who fully understood.  

PregoFabulous:

definitly don't try again, yet.  I made that mistake back in May.  I thought I wanted another baby, but I really didn't.  I just wanted my girl.  Well here I am at 25 weeks with my 4th boy, and regret it.  I know I can't take it back, but I wish I had waited a little longer until I was sure I wanted another baby, and wasn't just chasing my dream.  Now I dread my due date, hate midwife appointments because it makes me aknowlege that I am even pregnant, and have been avoiding my friends because THEY seem to be so excited about it.  This is a horrible place to be. 

I do feel for you on the "smelly pain in the butts".  I can't stand men in general for their tail-chasing, farting, burping, crude-joke-loving ways.  I'm always thinking, "Grow the F__ up!"  I dread my boys growing up because I know they may someday be the very person I can't stand.  And even if you raise them to be different, they're still male.  All the influence in the world can't change that.  We don't allow guns ect. in our house or on TVand they still find a way to "gun fight".  It's just in them.

I'm sure whatever I've said didn't make you feel better, but please don't think you are a bad mother.  I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Oh yes you did make me feel better. I even laughed!  At least I know someone out there feels the EXACT same way I do! I am sorry you are having another boy. Maybe when you deliver "it" will have fallen off! LOL! It does suck and this is a horrible place to be. However I am finding comfort in knowing I am not alone!