Forum for Moms recovering from GD who got DG

dream:

Sometimes if you KNOW something might rub you the wrong way, dont' read the thread. I know I have to do that often.

Yes, and that's why it would be good for this topic to have its own forum. Posting about this kind of confusion and unexpected feelings does not belong in the GD forum, where it really could be painful to someone in the darkest moments of GD. What I am feeling now has nothing to do with that, but it is still a valid feeling and something I would like to be able to share with others in the same place. I went through another round of this last week, when A was sick and we ended up in the ER one night. I had so much fear that I was going to lose her and that I couldn't possibly get to live my dream. I also had a lot of confusion about whether we would have gone to the ER in the same circumstances with one of the boys, and some guilt over thinking about that. In the end I realized we probably would not have gone to the ER, but because we had a different doctor then, not because of the baby's gender. I really don't think we should have been at the ER this time either, but we had a doctor really scaring us and telling us we needed to go. Anyway, as I sat in the ER for six hours terrified of losing a baby who turned out not really to be that sick, I was thinking that this forum would be a good place to talk about it.

lies73:

Not having anyone to talk about these issues is making them more complicated than they really are.

That says it really well.

I'm glad to see this here. I just posted something on this theme in the Rising Above section, simply because I had no idea where to put it that wouldn't offend someone (though it looks like it may offend some regardless), and no idea that there were other people who were feeling this way until one of the posters here kindly directed me to this thread.

I know this issue is more complicated than not being happy even when I get what I want. That has nothing to do with it at all. The problem is that I struggled with these feelings because of certain events that have happened in my life, and finally giving birth to the little boy who'd haunted my dreams for all those years didn't magically erase all those events from existence. It all still happened, and I grieve over both the events themselves and the impact my feelings may have had on my relationship with all of my children, whom I love beyond reason.

There is, also, the problem of feeling like I don't fit in. I don't just want to take from my time here; I feel like I have a lot to give as well. I'm just not sure how it would be received at this point. There's a thread in the GD forum right now from a poster who just found out she's having her second daughter, and I've been there myself and have a lot I could say. But I don't want to open my mouth and cause people to feel angry or resentful or think I'm acting smug.

Anyway, just my long-winded way of saying I'd really look forward to having a forum like this at IG.  

 

 

Looks like we have a lot of support for such a forum.  Can we make one?  ITA with the pp about feeling displaced and confused and missing an identity even after balancing my family.  But by no means am I unhappy about getting my DG and I certainly don't experience GD per se but I do have different feelings about these issues now and I've been on this board for a couple years so I hate to just leave.  So, can someone officially start a forum like this?  What should it be called that would be least offensive to those still struggling with attaining their dreams? 

 I think something along the lines of "Adjusting after GD" would be an appropriate name for the forum.

 Wow!  I am completely in favor of this forum!!!

I feel horrible and ungrateful that I have these feelings.  But I think I feel like a lot of you - it's more out of protection for my boys that these feelings arise.  

When I found out we were having a girl, of course I was thrilled (still am) but disappointed in the way everyone reacted - they were all over the moon with excitement and I know they wouldn't have acted like that if we had announced we were having a boy.  And then the comments really bothered me (which surprised the hell out of me) - LIke "You finally got it right"... or FINALLY now you can stop having all of these kids.... or "She's going to be so spoiled"   It makes me feel like no one thought my boys were good enough, but now that I have a girl - my family is good.  Like many of you have said, I too am afraid of how I will bond w/ my daughter only because I don't want to favor her over the boys.  I have a few friends that have had two boys then a girl... on their blogs or facebook pages all you see is pics of the girl... that really ticks me off - like the boys were just deleted as soon as that girl came into their lives.

I also feel like I have been kicked out of the "All Boy Mom" club.  I have a friend w/ 4 boys (we bonded over our GD) and I feel really guilty when she asks about the baby... I find myself filtering what I say to her cause I know how the simplest things can cut like a knife.

And, my GD never really came from the fact that I didn't want boys, it came from the fact that I really wanted a girl in there somewhere.  I would take 10 boys if I knew I would get a girl.  I adore my boys!!   And, before we had the U/S, I was really set on the fact that we would be having a 4-boy family.  

So, I am sure that these things are hard for those still suffering from GD, I know that I wouldn't have understood a year ago.  I wouldn't really say I have GD, but my feelings are real.

 

wow...it seems like alot of ppl feel like I do!!! I am somewhat relieved...no pressure but when can this board come up and where? I have a lot to say and ask..

I could have written this to a tee! Now that my daughter is two it has gotten better. But just like you I felt so protective of my boys. I do think it affected my bonding with her. It took longer because I didn't want anyone to even suggest I loved her more because I had always wanted a daughter. Also, I to would have taken a house full of boys. It was never about being dissapointed I was having another boy I just wanted a daughter too. God I wish we were talking about this two years ago. It would have been so nice to know I was not alone. Instead, I felt huge guilt for getting my daughter and then worring that my boys would feel second best. But now living with my perfect family for two years now I can say it gets so much better and I know know I put all those things on myself because all my kids seem perfectly happy.

I am just wondering if this issue has gotten any farther than just this one thread.  I really don't want to see this topic go into the archieves.

 Count me in.  I also have some unresolved GD issues.

I am so glad to see this post because I actually have some issues that would probably be perfect in a forum like this....

 I suffered many years with GD. I had it and never knew it until I accidently stumbled across a website while PG with DS2. I started reading and realized hey I feel that way too. I spent my whole PG with D2 obsessed and feel like I robbed myself of the joy and ruined criticl bonding time.

Although I have gotten much better with my feelings I still have a ridiculously strong desire for a DD. I feel as if I was meant to find IG so I can help sway my odds instead of blindly shooting.

Now that I am on my way to TTC and swaying along the way I find I won't even go near DIG forum too much because I am afraid I will all back into old patterns and bring negative feelings into the mix.

I do NOT want to ever feel those feelings again and I sure as hell do not want any negative energy around when I am TTC a girl. Or TTC in general. I want nothing but positive in my life and this is my last PG and I want to fully enjoy it!

I also feel scared to death and super guilty about wanting a girl so bad. I feel like it taks away from my sons. I just have to tell myself that if it were the other way around I would desperately want a son. Hope this forum comes to be and also hope that the search engine is fixed soon as well! LOL I a getting impatient because I rely on it so much!

Brat23:

I am so glad to see this post because I actually have some issues that would probably be perfect in a forum like this....

 I suffered many years with GD. I had it and never knew it until I accidently stumbled across a website while PG with DS2. I started reading and realized hey I feel that way too. I spent my whole PG with D2 obsessed and feel like I robbed myself of the joy and ruined criticl bonding time.

Although I have gotten much better with my feelings I still have a ridiculously strong desire for a DD. I feel as if I was meant to find IG so I can help sway my odds instead of blindly shooting.

Now that I am on my way to TTC and swaying along the way I find I won't even go near DIG forum too much because I am afraid I will all back into old patterns and bring negative feelings into the mix.

I do NOT want to ever feel those feelings again and I sure as hell do not want any negative energy around when I am TTC a girl. Or TTC in general. I want nothing but positive in my life and this is my last PG and I want to fully enjoy it!

I also feel scared to death and super guilty about wanting a girl so bad. I feel like it taks away from my sons. I just have to tell myself that if it were the other way around I would desperately want a son. Hope this forum comes to be and also hope that the search engine is fixed soon as well! LOL I a getting impatient because I rely on it so much!

 

I'm not sure what the DIG forum is, but have you checked out the gender disappointment forum?  There are plenty of women on there who have not had their girls yet and it may help you out a lot.

http://www.ingender.com/cs/forums/6.aspx

forbiddendonut:

Brat23:

I am so glad to see this post because I actually have some issues that would probably be perfect in a forum like this....

 I suffered many years with GD. I had it and never knew it until I accidently stumbled across a website while PG with DS2. I started reading and realized hey I feel that way too. I spent my whole PG with D2 obsessed and feel like I robbed myself of the joy and ruined criticl bonding time.

Although I have gotten much better with my feelings I still have a ridiculously strong desire for a DD. I feel as if I was meant to find IG so I can help sway my odds instead of blindly shooting.

Now that I am on my way to TTC and swaying along the way I find I won't even go near DIG forum too much because I am afraid I will all back into old patterns and bring negative feelings into the mix.

I do NOT want to ever feel those feelings again and I sure as hell do not want any negative energy around when I am TTC a girl. Or TTC in general. I want nothing but positive in my life and this is my last PG and I want to fully enjoy it!

I also feel scared to death and super guilty about wanting a girl so bad. I feel like it taks away from my sons. I just have to tell myself that if it were the other way around I would desperately want a son. Hope this forum comes to be and also hope that the search engine is fixed soon as well! LOL I a getting impatient because I rely on it so much!

 

I'm not sure what the DIG forum is, but have you checked out the gender disappointment forum?  There are plenty of women on there who have not had their girls yet and it may help you out a lot.

http://www.ingender.com/cs/forums/6.aspx

Thanks ForbiddenDonut DIG is Disappointed In Gender IM just used to using that phrase as opposed to GD. I rather stay away because I do  not want to erupt old negative feelings & patterns. Your babies are beautiful love their little strawberry outfits. Fruits on babies is always my favorite!

 Oh, ok, sorry.  And thanks!  They've already outgrown those outfits!  

This will probably sound weird, but having this forum added, could also be a form of healing for one gender mums.

I have often wondered if having a girl would "cure all" and now its obvious that it doesn't.  There are many issues I have read from mums who finally got their DG, all seem very valid.  I think in my case it wouldn't be letting go of being an all boy mum, it would more be about getting more boys that I ever wanted/desired (although I love them both dearly). 

Any more word on this forum?