Tracy's PGD/IVF journey

I seriously can't catch a break . I called Cigna before accepting the job at Talbots JUST to make sure that there was indeed infertility coverage, and that my doctor was in network. I was told that there weren't any exclusions, so I thought that I would be covered for ivf ( due to being infertile because of my tubal ). I just called again today ( 3 months later) and was told that ivf is NOT covered due to voluntary serilization. I have made so many sacrafices over the past few months to get the health insurance and I feel so completely numb right now. I called two more times to see what info I would get,and was again told that there weren't any exclusions, so now i'm confused. Do I still get the insurance and see what happens, or do I just quit Talbots now and give up on my dream altogether? We invested so much money for my first attempt, that we just can't do it again. It's looking like the begining of the end and i'm so upset right now .

I will no longer be cycling in March, but it's a "for sure" for April. I was getting ready to start my Lupron shots last Wednesday, but I still didn't know for sure when I would get my health insurance, so I didn't want to take any chances of having to skip a month or two because of all the meds that I was taking. My manager told me that she would send my paperwork in over the next week or two ( this was on Sunday).I had to stop taking the BC pill last Wednesday, and just started back up with the pill two days ago. My ER is going to take place around April 25th. Have I mentioned how tired I have been lately ? I was such an active member of the local MOMS club prior to all this, but now i'm so out of the loop. I miss my friends . I miss my dh too. We never see each other anymore because i'm working such crazy hours. They have me working 6 days a week now. I work about 15 hours every weekend, and then they have been scheduling me for every evening. My poor dh has been swamped at work ( his review will be taking place next week ), and it's been tough on him having to take care of the kids so much, when he has a lot of work to do. He has been pulling a lot of over -nighters just to catch up. God I pray that this works this time. I'm so afraid of the insurance not going through. I then worry about not having any female embryos to transfer again, and last, I obviously hope to get a BFP. I still have a lot to go through to get to where I want to be ( pregnant with a dd ). Yeah, the next 2 months are going to be crazy !!!!!!!

Yeah, talk about a fricking crazy weekend. I went from thinking that my dream was over, and complete despair on Saturday, to finding out that I WILL be getting the " parttime B " status that I have worked SOOOO hard for the past few months. Friday evening I called the general manager and asked her what was going on as far as my  elegibility for  "partime B". She wouldn't give me a real direct answer and told me that we would check over my productivity in about a month or so and find out where I needed to improve to bring my productivity up. WTF????? My productivity has been ABOVE average and I have gone OUT of my way to cover shifts and stay late when they needed me. Seriously, I couldn't have done any better to prove myself as being a good employee.I went into work on Saturday thinking that this may be "it" and that I was just going to give my two weeks notice. I felt like the GM was scrutinizing me and I was on the verge of tears ALL day. I spoke with another manager about what was going on. I told her that I was going to give my two weeks notice and I thanked her for all her help in training me. WELLLLL, she actually spoke with the GM and pointed out that I was one of the top three performers.My productivity was actually higher then most of the full time people. She really put a good word in for me. Anyways, the next morning, my GM pulled me aside and told me that she had been reviewing my productivity and that she DIDN'T want me to go. She told me that she valued me as an employee and that she would do what it took to keep me WOOHOO. My understanding is that I will be getting the full benefits soon. There is a woman that is retiring on March 8th, so I think that that is what she is waiting for. As soon as my status is changed, then I will be elegible for health benefits right away. I REALLY hope that this is IT. I am so thankful!

This is how I feel lately. I have a very strong feeling that things aren't going to work out for me and that I have turned my life upside down for NOTHING. I can't wait for my life to be back to normal again. I have such a greater appreciation for what I do have now. I realize how lucky I am to be able to be a sahm. I'm looking forward to my sister and her kids visiting me in June. My boys and I are going to go back home ( Cape Cod ) for the summer. Everytime I feel like i'm at a breaking point, I try and remember that this (working) isn't going to be forever. I CAN do this for another few months if I have to. I started the BC pill today and my nurse coordinator called me. She is putting my calendar in the mail today. I will have to start my Lupron shots on March 7th,so I really need to know soon if I will get my "partime B" status by then. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed!!!!

I REALLY hate it!!!!!! When I first started working at Talbots, I was told that I only had to work the weekends ( 15 hours ) until I got my partime B status. I have been pretty content doing it this way. Just this past week,my manager scheduled me to work Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,and Saturday WTF????? I will be working 26 hours. A partime A is someone who works 0-16 hours a week. A partime B is someone who works 20+ hours. I should considered a partime B. I want so badly to say something, but I dont want to rock the boat. I feel like they are totally taking advantage of me because I wont say no. At least it will be easy to quit after I get what I want . I have to believe that this will all be worth it in the end or else I will go crazy .

And two days.This is how far along I would have been had I gotten pregnant . I try not to dwell on my failed attempt, and most of the time I do pretty good, but every once in a while I think about how different my life would be if I were pregnant with my daughter. My life is so chaotic right now and i'm so very tired (emotionally and physically). Ron and I have been talking and he feels very strongly about NOT doing MS. I can beg and make his life miserable until he gives in,but I wont. I have already pushed him into doing this to begin with and it's about time that I draw the line. I need to respect his wishes and just be thankful that i'm going to be given a second chance at PGD/IVF. I have this gut feeling (just like the last time) that we are going to end up with all male embryos. This is what's killing me.I feel like I should be fighting tooth and nail to do MS and PGD, but at what expense? Sigh....

The very day that I got the bad news from my RE about there not being any female embryos, I started looking for jobs that had health insurance with infertility coverage. There is a great website that has such information, so I started making a list of some possible job opportunities. Because I had a tubal after the birth of my last ds, I was technically considered infertile, so would be eligible for the IVF part. This was the only way that I could get dh to agree to trying this again, because we had already invested so much money into our first attempt.  I returned all the baby girl clothes that I bought . The week after the "no transfer" was probably the worst week of my life. My oldest ds was diagnosed with a huge tumor on his neck. I was so worried about him having cancer that I obviously didn't think about my failed PGD/IVF attempt. We found out that the tumor was benign and I was so excited that he was going to be alright.  I started going on job interviews and I was finally hired by Talbots. I was told that I would start out as a temporary, move up to a partime A status (where i'm at right now),and if I really did well, then I would get the partime B status that I so desperately wanted. I called the insurance company JUST to make sure that they did have IVF coverage, that my RE was in network, and that I would be eligible for coverage because of my tubal. I'm a sahm, so getting a partime job was very difficult for me. I have never worked so hard for anything in my life and I have to just keep reminding myself why i'm doing what i'm doing.

Sometime back in August I came up with this crazy idea to do Microsorting. I had a tubal ligation after the birth of my 5th son, so I knew that I needed to do IVF in order to get pregnant. I have NO idea how the hell I ended getting my dh to consent to all of this madness, but I did,and there my journey began. Soon after deciding to do IVF/MS, I found ingender. I read about Lucy's IVF/PGD success and changed my mind about doing MS. I thought that PGD would be a better alternative. Dh and I drove to Dallas ( 3 hrs. away) to complete some blood work and I had a mock transfer. All went well and I was on my way. I was so excited and VERY naive about what I was about to go through. I was still nursing my ds and was told that I needed to wean him. This was probably the hardest part about the whole thing. He was only 15 months old and I intended on nursing him until he was two. I continued to nurse him until I started my meds and then I stopped cold turkey. It really wasn't that hard for him, but I couldn't help but feel an incredible amount of guilt. I had so much fun shopping for little girl clothes ( there was a good sale at the Gymboree and I couldn't help it). I would pull out the clothes every few days and line it up on my bed. I even went as far as to dress my poor ds in the clothes . He was a good sport,and didn't seem to mind. I started stims on October 23rd. It felt so cool to feel my ovaries working. It felt like little pop rocks or something. I had my first check after starting stims on October 30th ( 7 days after starting stims). My RE did an ultrasound and decided that I was ready to trigger. I had 15 or so follicles and my uterus linning was perfect. I immediately started bawling because I knew that this was it. If this didn't work then my dream was over. That night, about an hour before I was supposed to trigger, I took a good look at the needle and thought there is no f&cking way that dh is going to stick this needle in my ass.I even called the nurse that was on call JUST to make sure that this was the right sized needle. It was, but amazingly it didn't even hurt. The next day was Halloween and we had to do the trick or treating with the kids before we could head up to Dallas. Of course our 1 year old developed a fever, so we had to take him with us. We had such a hard time getting him to go to sleep,but he finally crashed at about 2:00 a.m! The next morning I got up bright and early. I was filled with excitement and anticipation. The ER went well and they were able to get 11 eggs. All of the eggs fertilized. I then started to get real worried about not getting any female embyos. I'm not sure why, but I just had this gut feeling that there wouldn't be any female embryos.I was scheduled to have my ET at 2:00 pm,but I told my RE that I wouldn't start heading up to Dallas until I knew for sure that there was going to be a transfer. I didn't want to drive 3 hours alone if the news was bad. I was on the phone with Tina ( from ingender) when my RE called to tell me that there weren't any healthy female embryos to transfer. I thought that I was going to die! My dream was over .I never cried so hard in my life. To be continued....