Starting out...
Where do I start? I guess at the beginning. Here are the facts m'am: I am a Brit who has lived in the US for 5.5 yrs and intends to stay. I'm hoping by writing that this will be a cathartic experience for me, and help me understand where I do stand on gender selection and disappointment. Or even just what our next move is. We have 3 lovely boys (1 born in the UK, 2 born in the US) who I would not be without for the world. They are all very much wanted and loved.
But
There is an overwhelming desire to have a daughter. To have someone who 'like me'. To not be the only female in the house (DS1 take some delight in saying there are 5 boys inc. the dog in our house, not realising he's breaking my heart every time). To not be excluded from a whole part of society - clothing, parts of stores, Barbie's, brownies, passing on my knowledge of what I've learnt in this modern age about what it is to be a girl/woman, to have someone to leave my jewellery to, to see grow up and probably give birth herself. To just not be quite so lonely in this cars, Lego, star wars, soccer, B.O. boy household. To be balanced, To lay quiet to the Gender Desire Beast that howls within my soul.
But
Are these the right reasons? Is it enough? Am I just being selfish? Will GD go away in time? Is having 4 kids (regardless of gender) the right thing for me, for us, for our family (my mom tells me she can't cope with the 3 we've got, not that they are bad or that she sees them much anyway due to the pond in the way), for this world? DH says 4 kids is good with him but 5 is a no-no. Would I have believed you 10 years ago if you said I would be considering 4 kids? No way in hell. But then I couldn't imagine us with one. Could I imagine us with 3 boys? No, always thought we'd have at least one girl. Could I imagine using artificial means to gain a child? No, but here we are. Nature's had her chance and I love her for it. But now it's my turn to help myself.
But
Should we have a biological child? Shouldn't we consider adoption? After all, there are thousands of unwanted children (which I can't get my head around) out there. I don't know. I have the utmost respect for people who adopt, I know 2 families who have done so. From what (little) research I have done, it looks like the cost is the same, so why not go down that route? Give a child a home. I don't think I'm strong enough. I'm not sure I couldn't ever hold it against her in the time of absolute stress. That medical problems we would encounter, the pain of her knowing her real mom didn't love her enough to bring her up herself, to say when's she's older "I don't know my medical history" like my 2 adopted teenage friends had to do. Or doing an open adoption, seeing someone else greedily drinking in your child, and all that she is.And from a practical point of view, I'm not sure how we could stand with our residency status anyway. The GD beast inside of me wants a girl to be mine and DH's own child.
So
We start out on this scary journey. To find out more that we ever wanted or thought we'd have to know about gender selection. To take our first baby steps towards our daughter.