I have never been through something like this before, I feel like I have been walking around in a dream, someone elses dream... I am fertile, I am healthy, and I get pregnant easily, I never have any complications, I have text book pregnancies and deliveries, I have been told many times, that my body is made to make babies, and deliver them!!!!
Well how could something like this happen to me??? How could the baby making machine lose a baby, what did I do?? where did I go wrong?? Was it my tempting fate trying unnatural methods to capture my dream?? Maybe my body doesn't like artificial reproduction?? I was so close, I was pregnant with my DAUGHTER, and in a heart beat or lack of a heart beat she was gone... she will be forever in my heart
I miss her, how can you miss someone you never met? I have pictured her a million times, and I will never get to hold her, I guess she wasn't meant to be
6-30-08 I had my D&C We went to labor and delivery early that morning, sitting in the waiting room with all the excited parents waiting to deliver their babies, I sat waiting to have my dead baby scraped out of me... My feeling numb!!!! I tried so hard to hold back the tears I really did, my mother came with me and I didn't want her to see me so upset, and I knew she would cry and the we would make all these people who were so happy upset, I didn't want to ruin their day, after all I had 5 healthy boys, I don't begrudge anyone the hapiness of a healthy baby being born. After all I remember vividly with my last two births coming up to this floor and waiting and seeing women who barely looked pregnant waiting and looking so sad, I just knew what they were here for, so I didn't go in there... I walked the corridors so they wouldn't see me, so I wouldn't be in their face, I didn't want to make them feel any worse seeing my big belly and my excitement of giving birth, when they probably felt so sad for their loss.... noone gave me that courtesy that day, they were all sitting with their husbands rubbing their bellies, so I left... my mother talked to a nurse and they put me in a different waiting room, the waiting room for families of preemie babies, a little more my mood at the time, yet feeling so bad for these families and their babies, it made my situation a little more bareable, Oh how I pray for those little babies
We were soon brought into the labor room where I was given the choice of a local or to be put out... I told them I don't want to know a thing, put me OUT!!!!! It seemed like I was out for seconds when I awoke and was told everything went smoothly and my little girl was completely intact in her placenta... everything looked healthy and the placenta looked great, just a fluke, and I am an oddity to have had 5 children already and not to ever have a miscarriage. Why Oh why did my body wait until I was pregnant with my little girl to decide to become part of the norm????
Truth is we will never know, and it was just dumb luck, the luck I seem to have sometimes, but I have so many other precious gifts that I need to be thankful for, so I will get through these days and count my blessings, we will get through this, and I pray to God I can someday count a Daughter as a blessing in my life, and she can sit along side her 5 brothers just as happy and healthy as they are